1. Shake hands with a celebrity

Quite some time ago, somewhere in the vicinity of a year and a half or more, I went to Waterton with a foursome group. There was Christy, Dustin, Davis, and some other kid I still can't recall the name of.

We went to Waterton - a really great national park during a time when the grounds were impeccable - the perfect season for exploring. I didn't feel like hiking so much as just wandering around and enjoying it all. Davis was of the same mind set. We kicked around for a while enjoying the scenery and then after quite a few hours, the other three came back from the hike, and we went for ice-cream in the tourist part of town.

I noticed a sign across the street about some sort of appearance by David Suzuki. I absolutely loved watching his television programs as a kid. I loved his insight, and his stories, and of course the pictures. After the initial shock/wow-this-guy-is-actually-here, I mentioned to the people around me that there was this great opportunity to meet this famous person right across the street from us.

We headed over to the book store across the street, and immediately I saw him. I saw David Suzuki. Not in his glamorized form, but in his disheveled appearance of a book seller.

But that was it. I personally didn't go talk to him. Jon, Christy, Dustin, and the other guy all went up and talked to him. Shook his hand. Inside I was shouting "NO! This is MY personal hero! This was MY hero, and they didn't barely know who he was! How dare they go talk to him when I couldn't!"

But that's just it. I couldn't. It's not that I didn't, or shouldn't. I could not.

That haunted me the whole trip back. The question kept going around in my head, "why couldn't I talk to him? Why couldn't I shake his hand?"

Since that time, this experience has been relived by me over and over again as I have met incredible individuals who I can not speak to or confront in anyway. I've watched members of the 70, celebrities of note, and acquaintances whom I respect greatly all pass before me like pages of a book I wished to skip. And each time I have questioned myself. "Why? Why didn't I speak to them?"

And since then I have found an answer. And the answer hurts. I couldn't talk to any of them because I was afraid that I was so insignificant that I was unlovable. So insignificant that it didn't matter what I said or did, they would either take no notice of me, or barely tolerate my frustrating intrusion on their world. I have come to understand that fear that I am just another face in the crowd, unlovable and despicable and I do not wish to pester them. For they, of all people do not need to be pestered by people like me.


Yesterday I realized something different. Someone who I consider amazing was leaving on a mission. I don't really know him all that well, but I've seen him quite enough to realize that he is open and giving almost constantly. Every time I have seen him, he has a smile on his face, and a compliment for someone, and always always genuine. I couldn't speak to him. In the same way that I watched Davis, and Christy and Dustin go shake David Suzuki's hand, I watched my friends go talk to and congratulate this man.

At first I sunk into the same depressed state as with Suzuki. I lowered myself down with thoughts like "Who would want to talk to me? I stutter, and I'm awkward. I'm a nobody to talk to someone so amazing."

But then I just stopped. "No. I don't like this. I exist, and I'm proud of that fact, not embarrassed by it. I don't need to be ashamed of who I am." It surprised myself. For some reason I didn't want to let others get what I wanted, while I just sat there, jealously envying them. I wanted to want, and be ok with wanting.

I'm ok with who I am. I don't need the rest of the world to reach out to me before I get what I want. This is new, and I'm still adjusting, but I'd like to prove to myself that this is really what I believe.


So, this is to the Next Celebrity I have the opportunity to meet: I'm shaking your hand. Not because I want your contact, but to prove that I can do it. To prove that I am ok with myself enough and believe that I am not of lower rank than you. Sorry if that's inconvenient or intrudes on your little world, but that's life, and if shaking someone's hand intrudes on your world, then that's an interesting fact about you, not a sin on my part. And maybe we can even have a decent conversation. I think that would be nice.

Chance for Flight

has a chance /
doesn't want to stay here /
sees an opening in the sky /
dives forward /
is afraid /
pulls back /
falls /
can't stand /

can't fly /

must move /
must climb again /
there is a chance /
an opportunity /

lunges forward /
only to fall /

cannot lay here /
must not stay /
much too vulnerable /
will not stay /

stands on feet /
breaths in /
looks up at hill /

so much distance /
for what /
don't know /
doesn't matter /
better than staying here /

places foot in front of foot /
decides to continue /
finds it hard to /
hates trying /
doesn't know what's at the top /

what if it's the same /
will it be worth it /
hard to tell /
it's so far /
but staying here is /

doesn't finish thought /
can't finish thought /
can't process /
won't process /

tear falls down /
wants to stop /

it's too hard /
is the struggle is worth it /

just one foot /
in front of the other foot /
just one more /
and one more /

looks up from grass /
stops moving /
is at the top /

stares at sky /
watches clouds /
breaths in /
cries openly /

one chance /
one last try /
maybe it's what they said /
maybe it will be worth it /
the journey might be worth it /

tries again /
jumps /

YSA Centennial Dance Performance

I broke my car. Metaphorically. Futuristically.

...sigh...

Dean sat down today, and turned on his computer so he could talk to his son. They used Skype. I walked by the room, and heard talking and laughing. How beautiful, I thought. I was jealous of him. Jealous because he keeps his car in good condition.

I don't keep my car in good working order. When it breaks down, I take it to the shop. Because I need a means of transportation. Dean looks after his car, works on maintenance, cracks, oil, windshield repair... He hardly ever needs to take his car into the shop. It hardly ever breaks down.

Do you see what I'm saying? Dean looks after his car, like he looks after relationships. He doesn't wait until they break down before he fixes them, he gets on his computer, and talks to people he's not close enough to talk to in person! He gets out the phone and has real communications with people! I, on the other hand wait until my car has broken down before I fix it. If that! I'll fix it if I really really need it! If I don't need my car, I won't fix it! What a selfish disaster I am!

I don't change the oil in my car!

...sigh...

I'm taking a moment to analyze myself. It doesn't seem to be helping my mood. The relationships around me flounder. The relationships not around me (ie: out of circle of friends) are less than floundering, but rather non-existant. I just don't talk to people. I don't change the oil in my car.

Ugh. Maybe this will help. I'll be taking on the challenge of the computer hiatus. I shan't be on for the next two weeks, in hopes that something good will come of it. Maybe I'll be forced to talk to REAL people, instead of facebook, fake people. Maybe I'll have to square with myself and actually send letters.

Goodbye cruel world. Was nice knowing you.

...sigh...

"Ordinary Boring Molecule of Water"

Ha! I think this is my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic to date. hahahahahahahaha....!!

Excuse me while I make my exit from learning how 'normal' people behave. I think I would rather be an abnormal individual, than a normal carbon copy of the next guy over.

Fulghum

My favorite author, is Robert Fulghum. I've read good books, (lots of them) but it's always been unimpressive as the Author gets high on themselves and has a name that's recognizable. They lose touch with that part of them that first begged them to write. They lose the reason they started. And yes, they are skilled, and yes, often they continue printing good messages or great story lines... But few authors have that spark for writing that they had when they began.

And though I couldn't pin down what by definition that 'spark' is made of, I know it's there. Call it what you will, and label me crazy, there's a spark of inspiration that almost draws through the words on the page, the eyes of the author themselves, alive and excited.

I find that Robert Fulghum has continued this spark. How ever it is that he has done it, he stands out in my mind. Even though sometimes vulgar, or off topic, he connects his soul to the words, and the words to the reader.

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge-
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts-
That hope always triumphs over experience-
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death."

Robert Fulghum

Amen.

PS... I have a site for awesome quotes. Robert Fulghum has a few among them.

Loving By Letting Go

To Let Go does not mean I stop caring for you.
      It means a new form of trying is to let you be.
To Let Go does not mean I abandon you,
      It means I realize I can't control you.
To Let Go does not mean letting you take advantage,
      It means I allow you to learn through natural consequences.
To Let Go does not mean piloting alternatives for you,
      It means I hope you choose to affect your own destiny.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness
      Which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To Let Go is not to change or blame you.
      It's to make the most of myself.
To Let Go is not to take care of your feelings,
      It's to care about how you feel.
To Let Go is not to fix or judge you,
      It's to support and accept you.

To Let Go does not mean I shelter you from truth,
      It means I offer you experience and growth.
To Let Go does not mean I regret the past,
      It means I grow and live for the future.
To Let Go does not mean I criticize or regulate you,
      It means letting us both become what we dream we can be.
To Let Go is to fear less and love more.

      To Let Go might be the only way to love.