Being Perfect

I know I'm not perfect.

I've messed up.

And I'll mess up again.

I'm scared and lonely a lot.

I'll never measure up to everyone's standards.

I accept that.

From head to toe, I accept myself.

My flaws, my imperfections, my limitations, my perspectives.

It's the whole me, exactly as I am, that is worthy of love.

Perfectly worthy of love.

I never really understood that before.

The Only Stoneless Grave

Doesn’t feel like home yet
Driving to the new house
Fifteen minutes in
Night turns me around
Up a gravel road
Lined by sentinel trees
Which loom over my decision
Frightening me almost
But not enough to turn back

Slowly, so as not to interrupt
Those who are sleeping
Gravel crushes against itself
Underneath the foreign tires
As headlights illuminate stones
And I creep the car forward
And backward again
Attempting to locate in limited light
One spot in particular

Even though wind blows
I know it’s not the cold
And I’m unsure if it’s the darkness
Or the mission I’ve undertaken
That gives me these shivers
For which this scarf does nothing
As I stand in this garden
Which I haven’t been in
For a long while

Sometimes one has to just
Do a thing instead of thinking
So that it’s not too frightening a task
You taught me that
So I park my vehicle
And quickly shut the door
With myself on the other side
Letting pride to take over
And lead the rest of the way
To the frightening destination

There is still no tomb stone
Just a plastic marker in the grass
Broken rusty and dirty
Waiting to be replaced
With little inspiration
Especially when compared
To the one next to it
Bold dark stone with tiny stars
Given flowers unlike this one

Unsure why I’ve come
Standing before the expectant site
Afraid of what to say
That it might sound wrong somehow
To me or the invisible
But honestly it was never meant
To sound like poetry
Just simple honesty
Straight forward honesty

So it comes out
Accusations for the hurt
And expression of the pain
That might have been prevented
By the absence of a choice
That is frighteningly permanent
And regretfully affecting
Providing questions to which
The answers will never satisfy

Strange I suppose.
Home is where the heart is.
Lame phrase.
What happens when
Your heart has been broken?
Are you homeless?
Forever lost between worlds?
As I stand in the garden,
Before the only stoneless grave.

Sometimes

                  I find
                        it's not so impressive
                              sometimes

                  when I ask a question and
                  SomeoneAnswersItQuickly



      I mean,

            yeah that is impressive
                        to some degree

      But to have

                        One Good Answer

                  even if it takes

                              ...more
                                          time...

                              or
                              ...more
                                          thought...

                              is
                              ...more
                                          impressive...

                        ThanOneFastAnswer




            And yet,
                  sometimes,
                        more impressive
                              than both

                  is the answer

                        "I don't know"

      Which takes more courage
                        more trust
                        more love
                                    enough to be ok
                                    with not knowing an answer

            And sometimes
                        ...silence...

                  is the perfect answer.

Together

I can't tell if that is my stomach being hungry, or loneliness. There are times I envy married people because it's a less lonely world (and not just for the easy meals). For those of you who know me well, you know how hard it is for me to admit something like that. I don't like the idea of being completely vulnerable and open with someone, and yet I feel as though I miss it dearly. How truly marvelous it is for those who are married to share that safe world together where it's ok to be vulnerably open with the other. How beautiful to be able to share life and all it's wonders together.

That is something I miss. If I ever had it. To laugh, to smile. To hope, to hold. To lift, to comfort. To praise, to play. To dance, to sing. To grow, to live. Together. To live in the beauty of the moment or the rush of the day, or the schemes of special occasions, or the calm of summer reading, or the invigoration of discussion, or the chase of the dreamers dreams... together. Any and all become a cure to the lonely soul. And possibly hungry stomachs.

Not Just Mess

If you ever decide to rob me, check the bible. That's where the valuables are.

Most ELSE of value lies on the floor. To be stepped upon, unfortunately. Microphone... video camera... CD player... even a portable sewing machine (don't ask). I would like to insist that this is just my way of reinforcing the belief that "stuff" in comparison to people, isn't worth all that much in the end. Just joking. I don't actually leave stuff on the floor for that reason. It's just a junk yard for a short/small amount of time (hopefully!!) until I get my mind sorted properly. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: The state of my room directly correlates to the state of my mind. If one is messy, the other will be also.

And messy - my mind is. It's a jumble of half-hearted successes and whole-hearted failures. When an opportunity comes my way, I'm likely to misguidedly refuse to take it due to my lack of cognitive ability in that moment or I may accept with momentary clarity of mind, only to thwart myself later (once again) with a lack of cognitive ability. Either way, you can likely imagine the state of my room, as half of it is whole-heartedly organized with shelving, drawers, labels etc, and the other half is half-heartedly "almost" organized on the floor in different semi-quadrants of my room by what would be defined as "mess". And I wish that every time I removed an item from the floor, some part of my life would magically unravel itself and grab hold my brain to say "a good idea for you to chase right now would be [insert high-priority activity]".

But it's easier for me to ignore the messy room for now, just as it's easier to socialize away my problems, and simply procrastinate the things I know I ought to get done. I've learned lately that I say "yes" to all sorts of different activities, to avoid the inevitably uncomfortable ones. I wish I were a little more on top of things because there are many things I would like to succeed at and seem incapable of succeeding at. Unfortunately, I have big dreams, lots of pride and a very SMALL attention span. All in all, not a good combo for success.

Is it silly to hope for that to change? I'd say no: step one is to hope. Step two would be to DO something about that hope. Which I will call faith. Step three would be to thwart the challenges that make me want to quit by exercising faith a second time to persevere enough to actually SUCCEED. (^^ you can tell I think too much when...)

There's a whole lot of wishing on my part, that I could get up the guts to be more than I am. I believe I can achieve success, but for some reason it's hard to make it real. I wish it were more than wishing. I've come a good distance through this journey so far, but I have a ways to go yet. But I'm a speed junky and don't like to wait. Apparently I have a lot to learn.

Stories end. Life doesn't.

Life keeps happening, doesn't it? It's actually a strange concept considering how many stories I'm used to ingesting via movies and books. In all of these stories, there are endings. Sometimes things nicely wrap up and resolve themselves, and other times it just ends messily. Either way, you can always predict one thing: The story will end. But life isn't like that.

I think that life ought to have stopped for me some time ago considering how nicely everything seemed to be fitting into place, and how awesome an ending it could have been for a movie or novel. The main character wants courage, friends, and a lovely home. The main character is afraid of everything in life, has no friends, and is a vagabond. The main character goes through hard challenges, bests the challenges and becomes courageous and happy with everything they had originally hoped for. The End.

But like all good novels, strange and unpredictable twists are thrown in last minute which completely shake the foundation of the audience (in this case, myself), and test the newly acquired abilities of the hero. Strangely enough, it feels that I closed one chapter of my life recently (the one with the happy ending wherein confidence replaced fear), only to find that there was another chapter already in the making. Beginning the story by living in fear and living in the shadows of unknown outcomes, my life was somewhat small and unexplored. Afraid of trying new things, afraid of people, afraid of myself, afraid to live... That was me.

Some time ago, I faced a few changes in my life that have completely swathed me in new experiences where two simple ingredients have changed the world I used to know. In the first chapter of my life, I would have let my fear guide me when faced with a tricky situation and taken the easy way out. But then I stumbled upon faith in God and this strange thing I call Doing-it-even-when-you're-so-scared-you-are-shaking-bad-enough-you-could-stick-yourself-in-the-arctic-and-warm-the-place-up. Otherwise known as choice. The world I now know is bright, hopeful and full of light. Choosing to do something even when it's freekin' hard, or when I can't speak I'm so scared, is the difference in me between now and then.

I smile more. I trust more. I have confidence. I see truth. And I am happy.

And then the next chapter of life hits.

There's this family move... and reaching toward a mission... and a crazy stressful job... and the recording of my music... and this out-of-the-blue guy... and an attempt at publishing a story... and rifts and bonds of friendship... And all at once, I am faced with myself. Did I REALLY learn my lesson? Did the main character hold to the values she learned? I ask myself this briefly, each time I take a new step past one of my old fears. I look at my metaphorical reflection and exclaim, "No. See? This is who I am now. And I can conquer this fear too," then I step forward and choose to make waves in the ocean on page 1037 of chapter 2.

And I know I couldn't have this without God. I didn't have this courage before I knew Him. He taught me what it is to be happy and to love and to live. He taught me to trust again, and to enjoy the moment. He taught me to see through eyes I have never seen with before, and because I see what I do now, I know He is.

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
C. S. Lewis

Again and again, I can not deny what I know, because again and again He's shown that He lives. God lives, and because He lives, I live. And now, I want to share what I know. It's burning like a fire, steady, warm and contagious... But this doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. I've hurt people and I don't mean to. Even so, I've learned that making mistakes isn't bad. Failing to learn from them kinda sucks, but even that isn't "bad". It just kinda sucks. It makes people less happy. When people hurt other people, it just isn't as happy as it could be. And that's what I believe wholeheartedly. That life is meant to be happy. That's the point. Chase dreams, live happy, make friends, share, serve, be together. This is happiness. This is real. This is the moral to the story for the last chapter I've been through.

I hope this next chapter has as good an ending as the first. Life keeps happening, and now, I'm finally ok with that. I'll embrace it even. I am finally free, and I've got a freekin' awesome sidekick. Come on, Life. Keep happening.

Glow Stick Dance

This is a project a bunch of us worked on. We had tonnes of fun. I wish you could see the little things we had on there, but the footage wasn't the best. I'll upload another version when possible. There's a rocket ship that goes across the stage, and a superman symbol at one point. The other video will show it better.