Anything solid would be nice

My really close friend passed away last week. He took his own life.

I'm a little stunned that it happened at all, and just got back from being up in the city where he lived at the time. I had hoped to comfort his family and friends and offer help with funeral prep while up there, and although I created a slideshow for the funeral, I'm not sure I did much else.

Over all, I'm really confused because there are so many emotions vying for position and I don't know which one to let take the stage. I'd like for just one emotion to settle in so I can just BE... Just feel SOMETHING... Anything solid would be nice. Just something to go off of so I could cry, rage, smile, dance, or crawl into a corner and rock myself to sleep... any one thing would be great. I just want to feel one thing at a time instead of all of them at once, leaving me incapable of anything but confusion and numbness. And damn, it doesn't help at all to have a break up in the midst of it... Just to make the feelings that much more confusing and layered... Shit.

Do I feel absolute love for my friend still? Yes.
Do I feel sad because I know I'm going to miss him? Yes.
Do I feel awkward that I don't know what words to say to others he was close with? Yes.
Do I feel relief that I don't have to pay him back for his small loan now? Yes.
Do I feel responsible for helping others to remember him? Yes.
Do I feel happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel shameful to feel so happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel curious about where his soul might be right now? Yes.
Do I feel grateful he went before me so now it's safer to go wherever he is? Yes.
Do I feel tired of thinking about it altogether? Yes.
Do I feel impatient with others who don't get what's going on yet? Yes.
Do I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings? Yes.

Or maybe I just want to know for myself how I really feel...

Anything solid would be nice.

Rain Dance

I thought I was dancing with you

In the rain

Keeping time to the beat

Apparently there were no drums

None at all

My bad

Guess it was just the rain 

And my heart beating

All by itself

The faster it beat the faster I danced

Thinking you were dancing the same rhythm

I am surprised to learn otherwise

I thought you could hear it too

Through the downpour

Seems you were just following my lead

And maybe I was following yours

I gather that's why we got so confused

And our feet so twisted

Oops

What I wish I could say...

I wish I had the opportunity that they do in romance movies sometimes. You know that part near the end where one of the main characters gets to say the one thing that fixes it all? It's usually just some cheesy line or maybe a sincere apology that lasts one minute or less.

Well I wish I had that chance right now. I wish I had one minute.

But sometimes it's just impossible to tell someone what it is you want to say. I don't know why circumstances don't exist like in the movies (at least not in my life) and it seems really hopeless that they don't. All you want to do is tell the one person that matters to you what's really going on inside and it is impossible to do because the other person just doesn't want to hear it. They just don't. And no amount of begging or texting or facebook messaging is going to change that they simply don't want to talk to you. Still.

And in those moments which you wish you could transform everything from unspoken misunderstandings into explained assurances, you're only left with a wish that things could be different. And oh how I wish I could make it different.

What I wish I could say is...

and

But since I don't have that chance.... Since you won't let me have the chance to explain myself... I have to let go. I have to stop fighting the reality that you just don't want to talk to me. And so I let go. 

I let go because I matter too much to myself to stay here, and I choose to live in love not in fear or regret. I choose to love, and in that loving, I let you go. 

I let go because you matter too much to me to mar the experiences and memories we made with something as trivial and painful as holding on, grasping at what once was, clawing at it to continue. You matter too much to remember anything other than the beauty that we had for the time that we had it. 

And so, with all my love which you never knew I had for you, I let you go.

I can't help it. I'm in love... With all of you.

It took a few seconds my friend... You and I met, in whichever circumstance it was, and though I may have not realized it then... Something happened - and when it did, suddenly everything changed. The truth is...

I love you.

I believe love has the power to break through fear as water has the power to wash away stone.

It may take longer for a person to change through the medication of unconditional love than with the threat of a gun. Fear will change a person's actions temporarily, but love will change a person's heart forever. I believe love is a longer lasting reason to change than any fear can give.

So here is the truth of love: 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love.

But know this - love is not the same as trust. 

Though I will not throw my heart beneath your feet to be trampled -

             I will never close off room for you to come inside my heart. 

Though I will not expect you to love or look after me in any way - 

             I will never stop hoping that you may love me the way I am.

Though I will not let you close enough to hit twice; once and trust is broken - 

             I will never believe you incapable of winning your dignity back.

Though I will never abandon myself to the fearful nature inside you - 

             I will never see you as anything less than a friend who needs love. 

Though I will never let you cross a boundary for the sake of "love" -

             If you do, you will not lose my belief in your value as a person.

I will love you though you may hate me. 

I will forgive you though you may blame me. 

I will see your heart for the entirety and beauty it is.

I will look beyond the pain you feel to see the child inside. 

I will love you; completely, insights, charisma and imperfections. 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love. 

What are you throwing away?

You know... Things like...

• The world is a scary place
• I have to fight for my right to live
• Everything in life is hard
• There is one RIGHT religion
• I'm never going to be good enough
• If other people are upset, I caused it
• When I get enough money, then I'll be happy
• Believing I had to be happy all the time (I'd rather be at peace, thank you)

I just don't need them anymore.

Giving Up vs Trying Harder

I'm at a stand still. I have a choice to make about a relationship I'm in. This happens to many of us when we don't know whether to give up or try harder. Where's the line? What do we look out for? How do we know which direction to pick?

I did some thinking about this and came up with the following idea...

When you feel unhappy about some situation in your life, you have three choices. You can:

1. Give up (Change everything)
2. Endure (Change nothing)
3. Try Harder (Change something)

If you choose to give up (change everything), you're looking at an overhaul and a lot of emotional grief as you let go of different aspects of the situation. Giving up isn't always wrong as we've been lead to believe. Giving up is actually often quite right - in fact we must give up on almost EVERYTHING ELSE we do in order to do ANY ONE THING. If we choose to do the dishes, we choose NOT to go to the store, go out dancing, write a book etc etc... Everything else, other than the one thing we want to do must be given up on for the time being, because we can ONLY do one thing at a time. So giving up isn't wrong, it just comes with consequences - be prepared for the emotional, spiritual, economical, and physical consequences.

Enduring is probably the most painful because it requires us to wait on someone or something else outside of ourselves to make the change for us. This may or may not ever happen, and that's just a fact. If we choose not to change anything, we have to be willing to go with what ever happens, in the order that it happens, when ever that happens. It can catch us off guard when something changes and have us feeling like a victim, like it's happening TO us simply because we have chosen not to act. The grief can often feel more intense when we are not choosing our own actions, because it catches us unaware not on our terms. Enduring isn't wrong, just don't expect the desired outcome to ever actually happen without some action on your part. 

So let's get one thing straight about trying harder. Is "trying harder" going to give you the results you want if you just do the same thing over and over expecting different results? No. That's what enduring is. If you insist on doing the SAME THING over and over, without being OPEN to any input, change or evolution, you are NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING, and are therefore just enduring. So what is trying harder? Trying harder is two things - 1. A constant search for a new tool, habit, system or idea which might solve the situation (outside input) 2. Actually implementing those new tools, habits, systems or ideas. Keep trying new things and being open to feedback, input and education - you'll find something that works eventually. 

Questions:
When is it ok to Give Up? 

When is it ok to Endure? 

When is it ok to Try Harder? 

Food = People

I need to confess. For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of people. Like, not just strangers, but I mean EVERYONE. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I was afraid of people for no reason and this analogy helped me understand the realization:

In the same way that they say you are what you eat, you are also who you surround yourself with.

In essence, if I could compare people to food, I had gone through life believing that ALL "FOOD" (ie: people) was poison, and eating (ie: interacting with) very little. But the truth is the same for food or people in that just as poison is RARE, dangerous toxic people are also rare. At home, the food (or the people) is safer to eat (or interact with) than in situations out of my control. The poisonous foods are more commonly found IN THE WILD, just as the more toxic people are more commonly found in chaotic environments.

Also, just because you once found something from the grocery store that is bad, that doesn't mean you should never go to the grocery store again. Just because you find one distasteful experience with a person doesn't mean you should never talk to someone with those qualities again. But that's what I was in essence doing, and I just didn't know it.

Now I see that the majority of people are SAFE, and that I am safe to be around virtually all of them. There is the rare one or two that are NOT safe, and that shouldn't prevent me from surrounding myself with everyone else. :)

Love love forever,
Sarah