How to take down the Board of Directors (metaphorically)

There is something I want to put a name to. But I feel watched like a rodent being hunted just in mentioning it. There is a name for this thing that I wish to speak out loud, but I fear the hunter. Who is the hunter? I think it is several people, myself included, locked in the room of the Board of Directors. And yet the hunter can be summarized into one horrific word: Fear.

I want to say it though. I want to tell myself out loud that I know it’s name and I know where it is, and let myself know that I’m coming to find this… this… thing.

There are oceans to sail, mountains to climb, souls to meet, adventures and dreams to discover, and while I sit here writing all these things that I ache for in my heart, I feel a part of me slip away because I know that it’s all just wishful thinking. The Fear will not let me have these things. It will not let me take risks. More than anything else in this world, the innermost workings of my soul seem to Fear the one thing I ought to already have, and that I want most: a Life on Fire.

To live, to feel excited, elated, empowered, on fire! And oh how I envy this in other people - when they are alive, with a glow in their eyes - I can not. I am filled intensely, immediately with the Fear. Overpowering, petrifying, damning… I remain shackled and hunted. At any point when I let out for a moment the desires of my yearning soul for adventure, love, or life, I am turned directly over to the Board of Directors who unceremoniously and predictably steals my feet from beneath me and leaves me hopeless, struggling and fatigued.

I am so very tired. So very tired of the battle that is constantly raging and killing inside. So much of my life has been stolen by the phrase “What if …”. I fear life - really living - more than this half-dead state I am in. How backwards is that? What happened to that Flame? Where I can I go to access it? If the hallway that leads to the Board of Directors is in my physical form, then is not the Flame of Life hiding somewhere in here too? Maybe I just need to explore these rooms some more… these corridors, and storage rooms in my head. But the problem is, if I go exploring and I get caught, I’ll go straight back to the Board of Directors. And somehow I always feel that my mind gets wiped of any and all traces of the Flame, so I have to start from scratch if I want to search again.

In other words, if I begin searching for a way to make me feel excited and happy, the Fear will immediately kick in, and find me, and haul me off, stealing any chance I had of becoming excited or on Fire. So maybe what I need to do is find a way to get rid of the Board of Directors. They aren’t doing a very good job of directing… Maybe I can get rid of them. If I get rid of the army on one side of the battle, then I should be able to stop the war.

So how do I get rid of the Board of Directors?

June Beetle

I've never seen a roach fall out of a sock before. Or maybe it's a June Beetle. It's dead unfortunately, so I can't ask it by which name it is called. It's dehydrated too...

It wasn't my sock though. No, it was some sock from some factory in China. It sat on the little hanger in the Dollar store. It gives new meaning to "If you get it from China, you probably shouldn't put it in your mouth." And yeah, I know that we don't normally put socks in our mouths, but it does not encourage me to put my foot into it either. Quality control, anyone?

And well... The truth of the matter is, I was actually going to buy the stretchy sock to pull over my head for a ninja mask for a costumed dance performance. Not anymore.

I brought the bug home. Does that mean I stole it? I mean... I didn't pay for it... or tell the cashier....

o.O

Things I learned today

I learned two things today of very high importance. They both have great significance to living a happy and fulfilling life.

First, I learned that if you know you should do something, but don’t really want to, write it down on a list of other happy things you want to do, and don’t do anything else on the list until you get it done. And then, not because you are permitted to, but because you are instructed to - laugh after you complete the task as though you were a crazy maniac.

This will a) make you look crazy and frighten off people who may deposit on your lap future projects that you don‘t want to get done either, and b) helps you feel like you accidentally took over the world - thereby reinforcing the effectiveness of the priority-list-making-technique.

The second thing I learned is this: DO NOT PUT THUMBTACKS IN YOUR POCKETS - especially if you have thin pants - that are not jean. After which, I learned to NEVER FORGET THAT YOU PUT THUMBTACKS IN YOUR POCKET. I also learned to, NEVER PLAY YOUR GUITAR BY RESTING IT ON TOP OF A POCKET THAT HAS FORGOTTEN THUMBTACKS IN IT.

Very uncomfortable. And somewhat shocking. And simply thoroughly embarrassing.

ETERNITY - ʎʇıuɹǝʇǝ

Yay! It worked. So this is mostly for you, Ryan. Karen, this is what I wanted to send.

And for the rest of you, well here is something fun I made because Ryan had an idea to turn the text upside down so you could read it any which way. You can turn your head upside down and read it that way too.


:)

Love!

TJEd Presentation

3. Simulations
4. Field Experience
5. God

In any given classroom, there are 4 mentors present:

1. The instructor
2. The work they are studying
3. other students
4. God

The three fundamentals of GWU are:

1. Read
2. Write
3. Discuss

And lastly, Community:

Community is simply the belief that students should be well rounded, thinking of other students, lending assistance, reaching out where one knows more than another and so forth.

I hope you enjoy the presentation. For any more information, there's the book "A Thomas Jefferson Education" by Oliver DeMille, and the website of George Wythe University.

1. Shake hands with a celebrity

Quite some time ago, somewhere in the vicinity of a year and a half or more, I went to Waterton with a foursome group. There was Christy, Dustin, Davis, and some other kid I still can't recall the name of.

We went to Waterton - a really great national park during a time when the grounds were impeccable - the perfect season for exploring. I didn't feel like hiking so much as just wandering around and enjoying it all. Davis was of the same mind set. We kicked around for a while enjoying the scenery and then after quite a few hours, the other three came back from the hike, and we went for ice-cream in the tourist part of town.

I noticed a sign across the street about some sort of appearance by David Suzuki. I absolutely loved watching his television programs as a kid. I loved his insight, and his stories, and of course the pictures. After the initial shock/wow-this-guy-is-actually-here, I mentioned to the people around me that there was this great opportunity to meet this famous person right across the street from us.

We headed over to the book store across the street, and immediately I saw him. I saw David Suzuki. Not in his glamorized form, but in his disheveled appearance of a book seller.

But that was it. I personally didn't go talk to him. Jon, Christy, Dustin, and the other guy all went up and talked to him. Shook his hand. Inside I was shouting "NO! This is MY personal hero! This was MY hero, and they didn't barely know who he was! How dare they go talk to him when I couldn't!"

But that's just it. I couldn't. It's not that I didn't, or shouldn't. I could not.

That haunted me the whole trip back. The question kept going around in my head, "why couldn't I talk to him? Why couldn't I shake his hand?"

Since that time, this experience has been relived by me over and over again as I have met incredible individuals who I can not speak to or confront in anyway. I've watched members of the 70, celebrities of note, and acquaintances whom I respect greatly all pass before me like pages of a book I wished to skip. And each time I have questioned myself. "Why? Why didn't I speak to them?"

And since then I have found an answer. And the answer hurts. I couldn't talk to any of them because I was afraid that I was so insignificant that I was unlovable. So insignificant that it didn't matter what I said or did, they would either take no notice of me, or barely tolerate my frustrating intrusion on their world. I have come to understand that fear that I am just another face in the crowd, unlovable and despicable and I do not wish to pester them. For they, of all people do not need to be pestered by people like me.


Yesterday I realized something different. Someone who I consider amazing was leaving on a mission. I don't really know him all that well, but I've seen him quite enough to realize that he is open and giving almost constantly. Every time I have seen him, he has a smile on his face, and a compliment for someone, and always always genuine. I couldn't speak to him. In the same way that I watched Davis, and Christy and Dustin go shake David Suzuki's hand, I watched my friends go talk to and congratulate this man.

At first I sunk into the same depressed state as with Suzuki. I lowered myself down with thoughts like "Who would want to talk to me? I stutter, and I'm awkward. I'm a nobody to talk to someone so amazing."

But then I just stopped. "No. I don't like this. I exist, and I'm proud of that fact, not embarrassed by it. I don't need to be ashamed of who I am." It surprised myself. For some reason I didn't want to let others get what I wanted, while I just sat there, jealously envying them. I wanted to want, and be ok with wanting.

I'm ok with who I am. I don't need the rest of the world to reach out to me before I get what I want. This is new, and I'm still adjusting, but I'd like to prove to myself that this is really what I believe.


So, this is to the Next Celebrity I have the opportunity to meet: I'm shaking your hand. Not because I want your contact, but to prove that I can do it. To prove that I am ok with myself enough and believe that I am not of lower rank than you. Sorry if that's inconvenient or intrudes on your little world, but that's life, and if shaking someone's hand intrudes on your world, then that's an interesting fact about you, not a sin on my part. And maybe we can even have a decent conversation. I think that would be nice.

Chance for Flight

has a chance /
doesn't want to stay here /
sees an opening in the sky /
dives forward /
is afraid /
pulls back /
falls /
can't stand /

can't fly /

must move /
must climb again /
there is a chance /
an opportunity /

lunges forward /
only to fall /

cannot lay here /
must not stay /
much too vulnerable /
will not stay /

stands on feet /
breaths in /
looks up at hill /

so much distance /
for what /
don't know /
doesn't matter /
better than staying here /

places foot in front of foot /
decides to continue /
finds it hard to /
hates trying /
doesn't know what's at the top /

what if it's the same /
will it be worth it /
hard to tell /
it's so far /
but staying here is /

doesn't finish thought /
can't finish thought /
can't process /
won't process /

tear falls down /
wants to stop /

it's too hard /
is the struggle is worth it /

just one foot /
in front of the other foot /
just one more /
and one more /

looks up from grass /
stops moving /
is at the top /

stares at sky /
watches clouds /
breaths in /
cries openly /

one chance /
one last try /
maybe it's what they said /
maybe it will be worth it /
the journey might be worth it /

tries again /
jumps /