Misconception about love

I think the biggest misconception about love 

is that it's something you can lose.

To love yourself... 

...to love your friends... 

...to love your family... 

...to love your environment... 

...to love your body... 

...to love your job... 

...to love your life... 

Is not to look at it and see how badly everything needs fixing, 

or to long for the return of something you may not have again. 

It's not to stretch or contort the truth

into what you wish it would be instead.

It is to look at it exactly as it is, 

embrace it in the moment, 

see the potential for greatness, 

act out of gratitude for it being in your life now 

and let it grow as it will, 

however that may be, 

even if it leaves you, 

even if it's only alive for a moment. 

Feminist lovers

"We are different than you."
"You are mean to us."
"It is US, against THEM."
"Love everyone... Except those guys..."

Most feminists are ignored these days because feminists have become synonymous with men-haters. It's an unfortunate thing really, because in reality feminists just want to be treated equal, but we've done a right ol' job of making it bloody difficult to love us women if we're attacking those we want to accept us.

And that's part of the problem, right there. US and THEM. Since when was "this" human over here with these select differences made out to be somehow better than "that" human over there for their select differences? Since when was it so abnormal for us to be both human and unique? Since when was it OK to try to make everyone the SAME? Being EQUAL does not mean we are the SAME.

I think it's about time we saw ourselves for what we really are: alive. All of us.

And yet that's hard to imagine others loving people that hate them, let alone ourselves acting out of grace and love toward someone who hurts us. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is the general motto. "If you do that, I'll do the same." or "If you do this, I'll react to it and show YOU what I think!"

But as Byron Katie says, "Defence is the first act of war."

As soon as we put our boxing gloves on, no matter the intention behind why we put them on, we immediately place ourselves at opposite sides of the ring. Me against you. Us against them. Winner against loser.

Is it so hard to see that when one person is acting out, they are just hurting? I believe in the natural goodness of humanity. I believe we have something worth loving for, not fighting for. I truly believe embracing an enemy in love is a more courageous act than holding a gun to shoot them.

May it be soon that we break out of the HE and SHE mentalities into the WE mentality. May it be soon that we come together and love ourselves for WHO we are.

Let's celebrate life. Let's celebrate differences. <3

Big Difference - Put a song up

I often feel that what I say through music is what I wish I could say through words. If you follow my blog at all, you'll know that I posted something similar to the sentiments of this song not long ago. This came from that same energy.

Recorded it today, hoping I could make sense of a few feelings and thoughts. When it came down to it, this was not the intended song which I wrote - there was another verse and a bunch more repeated but I accidentally turned the chorus around and it fit so well it got me thinking and pondering as you can see at the end of the video, so I kept it as is. I think it means more like this anyway.

Here are the lyrics: 

Big Difference - Sera Peters

There’s a big difference here

Between what you want me to say 

And what you want to hear

And so I close my mouth

And I don’t say a thing

And this way you might be 

Happy - at least that’s what I think. 

Feel the waves and feel the flow

Catch it once and don’t let go

I said what I meant to 

And I meant what I said

But you didn’t ask me

Why is that? 

You didn’t let me 

Finish my words

You couldn’t hear me

You were afraid to get hurt

I couldn’t say it

You’d think it meant more

When really I meant everything

That you didn’t stand for

And so I close my mouth

And I don’t say a thing

And this way you might be 

Happy - at least that’s what I think. 

Feel the waves and feel the flow

Catch it once and don’t let go

You said what you meant to 

And you meant what you said

But I didn’t ask you

Why is that?

Anything solid would be nice

My really close friend passed away last week. He took his own life.

I'm a little stunned that it happened at all, and just got back from being up in the city where he lived at the time. I had hoped to comfort his family and friends and offer help with funeral prep while up there, and although I created a slideshow for the funeral, I'm not sure I did much else.

Over all, I'm really confused because there are so many emotions vying for position and I don't know which one to let take the stage. I'd like for just one emotion to settle in so I can just BE... Just feel SOMETHING... Anything solid would be nice. Just something to go off of so I could cry, rage, smile, dance, or crawl into a corner and rock myself to sleep... any one thing would be great. I just want to feel one thing at a time instead of all of them at once, leaving me incapable of anything but confusion and numbness. And damn, it doesn't help at all to have a break up in the midst of it... Just to make the feelings that much more confusing and layered... Shit.

Do I feel absolute love for my friend still? Yes.
Do I feel sad because I know I'm going to miss him? Yes.
Do I feel awkward that I don't know what words to say to others he was close with? Yes.
Do I feel relief that I don't have to pay him back for his small loan now? Yes.
Do I feel responsible for helping others to remember him? Yes.
Do I feel happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel shameful to feel so happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel curious about where his soul might be right now? Yes.
Do I feel grateful he went before me so now it's safer to go wherever he is? Yes.
Do I feel tired of thinking about it altogether? Yes.
Do I feel impatient with others who don't get what's going on yet? Yes.
Do I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings? Yes.

Or maybe I just want to know for myself how I really feel...

Anything solid would be nice.

Rain Dance

I thought I was dancing with you

In the rain

Keeping time to the beat

Apparently there were no drums

None at all

My bad

Guess it was just the rain 

And my heart beating

All by itself

The faster it beat the faster I danced

Thinking you were dancing the same rhythm

I am surprised to learn otherwise

I thought you could hear it too

Through the downpour

Seems you were just following my lead

And maybe I was following yours

I gather that's why we got so confused

And our feet so twisted

Oops

What I wish I could say...

I wish I had the opportunity that they do in romance movies sometimes. You know that part near the end where one of the main characters gets to say the one thing that fixes it all? It's usually just some cheesy line or maybe a sincere apology that lasts one minute or less.

Well I wish I had that chance right now. I wish I had one minute.

But sometimes it's just impossible to tell someone what it is you want to say. I don't know why circumstances don't exist like in the movies (at least not in my life) and it seems really hopeless that they don't. All you want to do is tell the one person that matters to you what's really going on inside and it is impossible to do because the other person just doesn't want to hear it. They just don't. And no amount of begging or texting or facebook messaging is going to change that they simply don't want to talk to you. Still.

And in those moments which you wish you could transform everything from unspoken misunderstandings into explained assurances, you're only left with a wish that things could be different. And oh how I wish I could make it different.

What I wish I could say is...

and

But since I don't have that chance.... Since you won't let me have the chance to explain myself... I have to let go. I have to stop fighting the reality that you just don't want to talk to me. And so I let go. 

I let go because I matter too much to myself to stay here, and I choose to live in love not in fear or regret. I choose to love, and in that loving, I let you go. 

I let go because you matter too much to me to mar the experiences and memories we made with something as trivial and painful as holding on, grasping at what once was, clawing at it to continue. You matter too much to remember anything other than the beauty that we had for the time that we had it. 

And so, with all my love which you never knew I had for you, I let you go.

I can't help it. I'm in love... With all of you.

It took a few seconds my friend... You and I met, in whichever circumstance it was, and though I may have not realized it then... Something happened - and when it did, suddenly everything changed. The truth is...

I love you.

I believe love has the power to break through fear as water has the power to wash away stone.

It may take longer for a person to change through the medication of unconditional love than with the threat of a gun. Fear will change a person's actions temporarily, but love will change a person's heart forever. I believe love is a longer lasting reason to change than any fear can give.

So here is the truth of love: 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love.

But know this - love is not the same as trust. 

Though I will not throw my heart beneath your feet to be trampled -

             I will never close off room for you to come inside my heart. 

Though I will not expect you to love or look after me in any way - 

             I will never stop hoping that you may love me the way I am.

Though I will not let you close enough to hit twice; once and trust is broken - 

             I will never believe you incapable of winning your dignity back.

Though I will never abandon myself to the fearful nature inside you - 

             I will never see you as anything less than a friend who needs love. 

Though I will never let you cross a boundary for the sake of "love" -

             If you do, you will not lose my belief in your value as a person.

I will love you though you may hate me. 

I will forgive you though you may blame me. 

I will see your heart for the entirety and beauty it is.

I will look beyond the pain you feel to see the child inside. 

I will love you; completely, insights, charisma and imperfections. 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love.