I have such a hard time communicating openly and vulnerably these days. So many parts of life trigger the vortex of chaos which has not grieved yet.
I thought I had the answers that I needed when it came to love. I don't think I'll ever have that answer. An evolving thing is impossible to identify in a permanent way. But words add structure to the patterns in the brain, the way we store and retrieve information... And I am storing a new piece of information about the ever-evolving concept of Love.
Love isn't just a longing to be there when you cannot be.
Love isn't just the feeling of extending only when able.
Love isn't just feelings of hope from a place of lack.
It also is action, from a place of sustenance.
From a place of actually having enough to offer stability.
Some of the most secure words I've received came today, unexpectedly, straight to the wounded part of me after confessing my state of inner chaos and instability. And it did not come from the person I thought they would have. They were simple, and honest. Real and tangible. Not flighty, promising, and unfulfilling.
Stability in community perhaps.
A network larger than a unit of two, saying "I'll be here when you're ready." Saying, 'I'm not running away. This doesn't scare me. You can have emotions. I'm secure enough in myself to trust I'll still be here when you emerge. You can trust my trust in myself. I trust you to trust yourself enough to know when to reach out to me. I trust your process.'
All of that is packed in there.
And I'm so grateful.
My eyes leaked again, and this time it wasn't pain leaking out. It was something else.
Relief.
