Wednesday, November 15
Tuesday, September 26
Can happiness be bought?
That's an interesting thought, and really depends on what you define happiness as.
What I mean is, that let's say I pay a fee to get into a fair, and happen to have a great time, and am happy while I am there. Did I buy happiness by paying the fee to get in and participate in the activity that seems to have granted me the happiness?
So, if I pay to do something and I am happy, does that mean that I just bought happiness? I'd say no, because someone else may buy the same thing or pay for entrance to the same activity, and not be 'happy' while there.
But like I said before, it depends upon your definition of happiness... Because one person may define it as "getting high", where as another may define it as "feeling joyous", and someone else may say that they are happy, only because they are not feeling sad or depressed.
One of my favorite quotes (but I don't know who said it) is:
"Happiness is the emotion felt by the body,
Joy is the emotion felt by the soul"
It also depends on your definition of "buy" because that could mean paying cash for something, or paying the price or consequence of individual decisions.
Every decision we make has a consequence and by making those decisions we can make ourselves happy. For instance, I can decide to sit on the couch all day, and thereby doing nothing of substance and be very unhappy, or I could go out and be with friends or whatever, and be happy.
Our decisions 'buy' our happiness...
So, CAN we buy our happiness? It depends on your definition.
What I mean is, that let's say I pay a fee to get into a fair, and happen to have a great time, and am happy while I am there. Did I buy happiness by paying the fee to get in and participate in the activity that seems to have granted me the happiness?
So, if I pay to do something and I am happy, does that mean that I just bought happiness? I'd say no, because someone else may buy the same thing or pay for entrance to the same activity, and not be 'happy' while there.
But like I said before, it depends upon your definition of happiness... Because one person may define it as "getting high", where as another may define it as "feeling joyous", and someone else may say that they are happy, only because they are not feeling sad or depressed.
One of my favorite quotes (but I don't know who said it) is:
"Happiness is the emotion felt by the body,
Joy is the emotion felt by the soul"
It also depends on your definition of "buy" because that could mean paying cash for something, or paying the price or consequence of individual decisions.
Every decision we make has a consequence and by making those decisions we can make ourselves happy. For instance, I can decide to sit on the couch all day, and thereby doing nothing of substance and be very unhappy, or I could go out and be with friends or whatever, and be happy.
Our decisions 'buy' our happiness...
So, CAN we buy our happiness? It depends on your definition.
Tuesday, August 22
My latest drawing:
And my latest rant:
Ok, so my bestest friend and I went to THE toy store... Toys R Us. We were looking for the old fashion Tinker toys. You know the kind. Simple, but kids can build anything. Even a simple Lego set... I mean COME ON!!
Anyway, so they did not have any. Nice person told us that but that is not really relevant. No tinker toys in THE toy store. Now if we think about this for a bit... I mean just think about it for a minute, we will see that if there is no Tinker toys in the store then, logically, there must needs be other toys in the store right? Right.
What do they sell in a toy store with no tinker toys? I'll tell you. And I'll tell you a secret. They fill the store and stock the shelves with "educational" laptops for children aged 6 to 8, they stack racks full of flashing lights for infants, the Lego set shelves contain those Lego set already set up to reflect the castle of Hogwarts, or the design of the Lord of the Rings tower etc... And everything sings... Now here is what I realized about these toys:
1. The educational toys such as the leapfrog books that talk to the children teach the children, yes. But they do not teach the children about interacting with other children. It took an entire wall to cover the toys that teach children French and Spanish and early mathematics. Why would there be a need for so much educational products? Do parents simply take little or no time teaching their children anymore? Is it too time consuming? Now why do you suppose children are so angered towards their parents as they grow up? Could it be that parents just do not invest time or sufficient energy into teaching, enjoying time with, and growing with their children? I think so.
2. I believe that the flashing lights on those items that are meant to entertain babies still in their infancy coincided with the constant sounds as they twist or pull bobbles contributes immensely to children's ADD and Hyperactive disorders.
3. The third thing is that after seeing the options for Lego sets, I am forced to conclude that this will influence addictions in the children when they grow older. What a child sees on TV, is now reinforced from the stores into their brains. They find that they like a movie and merchandise comes out to support that and turn it into an addiction, but perhaps only a small addiction. Our whole society is addicted, whether it be to TV, sports, drugs and alcohol, habits, gambling, work etc... The list grows constantly. They are loosing their imagination because castles are shoved at them and they are to make the castle that is portrayed on the box it came in. I am disgusted where this is going.
And that is my rant of the day….
And my latest rant:
Ok, so my bestest friend and I went to THE toy store... Toys R Us. We were looking for the old fashion Tinker toys. You know the kind. Simple, but kids can build anything. Even a simple Lego set... I mean COME ON!!
Anyway, so they did not have any. Nice person told us that but that is not really relevant. No tinker toys in THE toy store. Now if we think about this for a bit... I mean just think about it for a minute, we will see that if there is no Tinker toys in the store then, logically, there must needs be other toys in the store right? Right.
What do they sell in a toy store with no tinker toys? I'll tell you. And I'll tell you a secret. They fill the store and stock the shelves with "educational" laptops for children aged 6 to 8, they stack racks full of flashing lights for infants, the Lego set shelves contain those Lego set already set up to reflect the castle of Hogwarts, or the design of the Lord of the Rings tower etc... And everything sings... Now here is what I realized about these toys:
1. The educational toys such as the leapfrog books that talk to the children teach the children, yes. But they do not teach the children about interacting with other children. It took an entire wall to cover the toys that teach children French and Spanish and early mathematics. Why would there be a need for so much educational products? Do parents simply take little or no time teaching their children anymore? Is it too time consuming? Now why do you suppose children are so angered towards their parents as they grow up? Could it be that parents just do not invest time or sufficient energy into teaching, enjoying time with, and growing with their children? I think so.
2. I believe that the flashing lights on those items that are meant to entertain babies still in their infancy coincided with the constant sounds as they twist or pull bobbles contributes immensely to children's ADD and Hyperactive disorders.
3. The third thing is that after seeing the options for Lego sets, I am forced to conclude that this will influence addictions in the children when they grow older. What a child sees on TV, is now reinforced from the stores into their brains. They find that they like a movie and merchandise comes out to support that and turn it into an addiction, but perhaps only a small addiction. Our whole society is addicted, whether it be to TV, sports, drugs and alcohol, habits, gambling, work etc... The list grows constantly. They are loosing their imagination because castles are shoved at them and they are to make the castle that is portrayed on the box it came in. I am disgusted where this is going.
And that is my rant of the day….
Friday, August 11
I find Atlantis very fascinating.
I'm looking on the web to check out more about it.
They say it is in the Atlantic Ocean.
'Atlantic' is very close to "Atlantis", which makes me wonder which came first. City of Atlantis or the Atlantic Ocean?
Interestingly enough there is a map of an island in the Atlantic drawn by Plato or his student or some such showing a very large land mass that is labeled "Atlantis" in the Atlantic Ocean.
Though for some reason it appears to have been drawn upside down. Whether or not that has significance, I don't know.
"Map of Atlantis by the 17th-century German scholar Athanasius Kircher. Kircher based his
map on Plato's description of Atlantis as an island west of the Pillars of Hercules - the
Strait of Gibraltar - and situated Atlantis in the ocean that has since been named after the
legendary land. Unlike modern cartographers, he placed south at the top of the map, which
puts America at the right."
Now... Australians believe the world is drawn upside down on the maps today, and even today they draw their maps with north pointing down. This could imply that the Atlantians drew their map upside down because they, like the Australians are, were perhaps in the southern hemisphere.
One more interesting thing is that the atlantic ocean has a mysteriously large piece that looks like a very large sunk island. AND you know the bermuda triangle? It seems to me that the strange wave patterns might have been caused by the absence or dissapearence of Atlantis.
Yes, so now I want to impose the map upside down that I found of Atlantis over top of where the sunken island is.
bah. I need to eat.
Monday, July 24
Look OK mask
On the outside I look just fine.
I wear a mask that looks alright.
Behind that face that looks so great,
Is a face submissive to it's fate.
Before my eyes I wear a mask.
I won't tell you, 'cause you don't ask.
Here's the thing I won't say:
I live in fear like this every day.
So much emotion of the soul,
The tears of the pain not shown.
Confusion blocking the way to go,
Sadness inside, how could you know?
I wait for moments to shed the mask,
Alone in silence to confront the task.
When it comes off, it hits the ground,
And I'm afraid it's much too loud.
Someone might hear it hit the ground,
And they will run to see the sound.
And I will simply make one more,
That eventually will strike the floor;
And one will hear the sound it makes,
And I will protect me by being fake.
And soon I will create so many masks,
That eventually I am sure to crack.
I wear a mask that looks alright.
Behind that face that looks so great,
Is a face submissive to it's fate.
Before my eyes I wear a mask.
I won't tell you, 'cause you don't ask.
Here's the thing I won't say:
I live in fear like this every day.
So much emotion of the soul,
The tears of the pain not shown.
Confusion blocking the way to go,
Sadness inside, how could you know?
I wait for moments to shed the mask,
Alone in silence to confront the task.
When it comes off, it hits the ground,
And I'm afraid it's much too loud.
Someone might hear it hit the ground,
And they will run to see the sound.
And I will simply make one more,
That eventually will strike the floor;
And one will hear the sound it makes,
And I will protect me by being fake.
And soon I will create so many masks,
That eventually I am sure to crack.
Monday, April 24
To Change the World
Look there,
Someone is aching.
Longing for hope,
To the point of shaking.
Now here,
Someone craving truth,
Who can save them?
Is it the youth?
This is the world we live in.
This is the world we’re left to change.
The power is in our grasp,
Our ability within range.
This is the world we live in.
This is the world left for youth.
The power is in our grasp,
Our valiance in truth.
To change the world is not to move it,
But to change the eyes through which one views it,
I think the measure of a man,
Is not of his stature but his willingness to stand.
So I will change the world one view at a time
And I hope in the end you’ll find
That the world has been moved.
We are the chosen generation.
We are the chosen few.
Where is the determination?
Where is the unique view?
How can we strive to change it,
By simply watching it pass?
We must get up to change it,
Not watch the hour glass.
The time won't give up,
And our hours are but few,
Will we rise to the challenge?
Or bask in the wondrous view?
The youth hold the power,
We must stand with the right,
We've been given the weapons,
To go on and to fight.
Let's first change the world, not move it,
And change the eyes through which all view it,
Until the measure of each man,
Is not of his stature but his willingness to stand.
Help us change the world one view at a time
And we hope in the end you’ll find
That the world has been moved.
- Sera Johnson © 2005
Someone is aching.
Longing for hope,
To the point of shaking.
Now here,
Someone craving truth,
Who can save them?
Is it the youth?
This is the world we live in.
This is the world we’re left to change.
The power is in our grasp,
Our ability within range.
This is the world we live in.
This is the world left for youth.
The power is in our grasp,
Our valiance in truth.
To change the world is not to move it,
But to change the eyes through which one views it,
I think the measure of a man,
Is not of his stature but his willingness to stand.
So I will change the world one view at a time
And I hope in the end you’ll find
That the world has been moved.
We are the chosen generation.
We are the chosen few.
Where is the determination?
Where is the unique view?
How can we strive to change it,
By simply watching it pass?
We must get up to change it,
Not watch the hour glass.
The time won't give up,
And our hours are but few,
Will we rise to the challenge?
Or bask in the wondrous view?
The youth hold the power,
We must stand with the right,
We've been given the weapons,
To go on and to fight.
Let's first change the world, not move it,
And change the eyes through which all view it,
Until the measure of each man,
Is not of his stature but his willingness to stand.
Help us change the world one view at a time
And we hope in the end you’ll find
That the world has been moved.
- Sera Johnson © 2005
Wednesday, April 5
I hate the internet
I have a confession. I am not very fond of the internet. In fact, I pretty much dislike the internet. No, I Frankly HATE it. Strong choice of words huh? But let me explain this loathing hate for the internet that I posess. Ok, first off, lets start simple.
1. I hate the internet because the search engines have so many lies on them, it is hard to find truth on the internet anymore. A whole bunch of people have access to the internet and can say what ever they want and post it as truth. Un-justified and blantent lies.
2. The second reason I hate the internet is because of all the selfish people who take advantage of other people. They scam, they con they are just plain cruel.
3. The next reason I hate the internet is because of junk-mail. Junk-mail is spam from very annoying people saying such things as "DatePeopleAroundYou" and things that I don't need the internet to tell me to do. I hate it.
4. And the fourth reason the internet is so repulsive is because of the porn. Yes, there, that word. The body is so abused and so wrecklessly exposed that even when one careful as I am, am bombarded with the devilish material. It is so sad, most of all that those who post pictures of themselves on the internet would do such a thing. They feel no discomfort in showing their bodies. What a sad sad day this is. Our society will crumble and decay if we allow it to stay with way. It will crumble before our eyes and we will wonder what caused it. I tell you the pronographic images will kill the senses and dull the mind until only those who fight against this great curse will stand. This is not a fickle matter. This is a concept lying on the edge of the pit that we must fall into or build a bridge to cross. Porn is something that diseases the soul which is worse than diseasing the body because the soul will live on into the spirit world and if it is diseased by pornography it will suffer eternally.
That is why I hate the internet with a passion, because porn is availible to all and unexpectedly and it diseases the soul. it is an epidemic that Must be stopped.
1. I hate the internet because the search engines have so many lies on them, it is hard to find truth on the internet anymore. A whole bunch of people have access to the internet and can say what ever they want and post it as truth. Un-justified and blantent lies.
2. The second reason I hate the internet is because of all the selfish people who take advantage of other people. They scam, they con they are just plain cruel.
3. The next reason I hate the internet is because of junk-mail. Junk-mail is spam from very annoying people saying such things as "DatePeopleAroundYou" and things that I don't need the internet to tell me to do. I hate it.
4. And the fourth reason the internet is so repulsive is because of the porn. Yes, there, that word. The body is so abused and so wrecklessly exposed that even when one careful as I am, am bombarded with the devilish material. It is so sad, most of all that those who post pictures of themselves on the internet would do such a thing. They feel no discomfort in showing their bodies. What a sad sad day this is. Our society will crumble and decay if we allow it to stay with way. It will crumble before our eyes and we will wonder what caused it. I tell you the pronographic images will kill the senses and dull the mind until only those who fight against this great curse will stand. This is not a fickle matter. This is a concept lying on the edge of the pit that we must fall into or build a bridge to cross. Porn is something that diseases the soul which is worse than diseasing the body because the soul will live on into the spirit world and if it is diseased by pornography it will suffer eternally.
That is why I hate the internet with a passion, because porn is availible to all and unexpectedly and it diseases the soul. it is an epidemic that Must be stopped.
Thursday, March 30
Grad!!
Choosing grad dresses is hard!! Dude, and to find one that has sleeves is near impossible. SO here are my choices (creations)thus far:
Wednesday, March 29
Taking a look around
(And the rain falls)
I see water on the ground
(And my spirit calls)
In the rain I sing
(See the rain fall)
Without a care of anything
(See my spirit call)
Soaring above pain
(Rain splashes on my face)
As a child free again
(My spirit loves this place)
Taking a look around
(As the rain falls)
Puddles on the ground
(And my spirit calls)
But finally it drops
(And the rain stills)
The rain finally stops
(And my skin chills)
I look around again
(No more rain here)
Free now of the pain
(There's no more fear)
Once again now sad
(I watch the rain fall)
Witness to rain I'm glad
(I hear my spirit call)
I leave the dry
(I feel the rain)
Now I can cry
(Sad leaves again)
Within the precious rain
(Can't see tears while wet)
A healing power for pain
(It helps us to forget)
(And the rain falls)
I see water on the ground
(And my spirit calls)
In the rain I sing
(See the rain fall)
Without a care of anything
(See my spirit call)
Soaring above pain
(Rain splashes on my face)
As a child free again
(My spirit loves this place)
Taking a look around
(As the rain falls)
Puddles on the ground
(And my spirit calls)
But finally it drops
(And the rain stills)
The rain finally stops
(And my skin chills)
I look around again
(No more rain here)
Free now of the pain
(There's no more fear)
Once again now sad
(I watch the rain fall)
Witness to rain I'm glad
(I hear my spirit call)
I leave the dry
(I feel the rain)
Now I can cry
(Sad leaves again)
Within the precious rain
(Can't see tears while wet)
A healing power for pain
(It helps us to forget)
Friday, March 24
Great feelings
I haven't written in a while. A lot of feelings have been mixed up lately and I felt so alone this past week. Only today and yesterday have been better. I had been really depressed, (I am good at getting myself depressed... jeez, I just think of everything that has sucked lately and there you go. I'm depressed.) but not today because I have found a cure. It's not to think "Oh I'm better than all the people around me" but it is to think, "Some day I'll be a leader, and who knows who I'll lead. Right now some one may look up to me so I better fill the role." And then BAM! I feel better. I feel like "I'm going to be great one day, so right now I'm going to be the best I can."
It's a great feeling.
It's a great feeling.
Wednesday, March 15
Morning of the 15th
You know what? Most people hit the 'snooze' button, right? hehe... And to think what I do...
Ok, picture this if you can;
I'm sleeping in bed and my alarm goes off at 6:14am. I get up, walk over the the other side of the room where my alarm rests on my dresser, and turn it off. I then go back to bed.
At 6:20am, my second alarm goes off, so I get up, and completely aware of my surroundings, I set my alarm to 6:25am. Then I go back to bed to pick up on my dream deprivation.
I then get back up at the appointed 6:25am and again set my alarm to a different time. I set it to 6:30am instead.
At 6:30am, I get up, turn off my alarm and turn on the light because I know that I can't sleep in any longer than 6:30am or my schedule is thrown off.
What a way to get up hey?
I don't hit the snooze. ;)
Hahaha!!
I am really excited. I actually cleaned my room. I know, I know, it's not all that exciting. But it excites me! I can WALK on my floor instead of side-stepping around the edges. It's great. I really should have taken before and after pictures but I am not done yet, and well... I didn't take before pictures so it is basically impossible unless I want to re-mess my room.
Ok, picture this if you can;
I'm sleeping in bed and my alarm goes off at 6:14am. I get up, walk over the the other side of the room where my alarm rests on my dresser, and turn it off. I then go back to bed.
At 6:20am, my second alarm goes off, so I get up, and completely aware of my surroundings, I set my alarm to 6:25am. Then I go back to bed to pick up on my dream deprivation.
I then get back up at the appointed 6:25am and again set my alarm to a different time. I set it to 6:30am instead.
At 6:30am, I get up, turn off my alarm and turn on the light because I know that I can't sleep in any longer than 6:30am or my schedule is thrown off.
What a way to get up hey?
I don't hit the snooze. ;)
Hahaha!!
I am really excited. I actually cleaned my room. I know, I know, it's not all that exciting. But it excites me! I can WALK on my floor instead of side-stepping around the edges. It's great. I really should have taken before and after pictures but I am not done yet, and well... I didn't take before pictures so it is basically impossible unless I want to re-mess my room.
Tuesday, March 14
Confusing
This stuff is fairly confusing. I've been trying to get my site up and working. I'm having fun and I am learning lots. What is annoying me though is that the server or the hosting service goes down. It's been down as long as I've had the service. Grr... I can't place any pictures on the site because it is an "Internal Service Error". Sooo... I guess that only leaves me one option. My brother. He'll know what to do. Here's some of the pictures just because I am so frustrated that it didn't work on the other site.
I can't believe this. This site won't load the pictures either. This is frustrating. Ok, well maybe there is something wrong with my computer.
HA!! I finally got it working! These pictures are going to roll down from the top hopefully and have the options of the site listed on them. I am pretty happy with the look they have so far. So here they are:
I can't believe this. This site won't load the pictures either. This is frustrating. Ok, well maybe there is something wrong with my computer.
HA!! I finally got it working! These pictures are going to roll down from the top hopefully and have the options of the site listed on them. I am pretty happy with the look they have so far. So here they are:
Flags and school
I just discovered "Flags". I didn't know what that was for before (showing how realistically new to this whole blogging thing I am...) So, I have discovered that blogs can be flagged if objectionable content is displayed. I like the idea.
So, considering that the 'flag' option is available I feel a bit safer. But before I wrote the post before this one, I actually did a little cruising of blogs. I can't remember what the address was, but I found a certain blog spot that was of particular interest to me. It is not that the subject was interesting. Far from it. It was just every day entries. What DID interest me was the fact that it was enjoyable to read. It is rare for me to find something I actually want to read the entire way through that is that boring. I read through his posts entirely. It is very interesting. Something about his style of writing is appealing.
Now, if only I could duplicate that style so that mine is interesting to read. That style would be so useful in writing essays or anything else for that matter. I don't remember the blog spot so it is impossible to reference. All I know is that he was talking about laundry. 'What an interesting topic' you may comment... Yes, an interesting topic when it is said the way he said it. Of course, I would want my own spin to the style he has, but I want to know his secret. I couldn't say what it was that was appealing. He kept his paragraphs short... He had a stress-free or almost careless approach. Maybe that is it. He just didn't care who read it, and didn't give much thought to the meaning of everything.... And yet strangely he wasn't shallow about things. How does that work? I don't know, or I'd be doing it.
Here's a cute poem I wrote a little bit a while ago:
School
Welcome to the hospital for the un-learned.
The treatment room numbers are patterned.
One to one hundred round the corner and right,
Add one hundred for each floors height.
The doctors are accurate, knowing and kind.
Sure to enlighten, brighten: Cure your mind.
Sick and ailed you must be made better,
So learn your stuff and write us a letter.
The sick beds are placed in columns and rows
We test you and quiz you on who really knows.
On Biology, Physics and Chem must you grill
And don't forget CALM: it's your happy pill.
Essays are easy once you know how,
If you really get stuck figure it out somehow.
We can't really help you: we aren't allowed.
But take off your cap and don't be too loud.
Note: CALM is a Career And Life Management course everyone in highschool has to take.
So, considering that the 'flag' option is available I feel a bit safer. But before I wrote the post before this one, I actually did a little cruising of blogs. I can't remember what the address was, but I found a certain blog spot that was of particular interest to me. It is not that the subject was interesting. Far from it. It was just every day entries. What DID interest me was the fact that it was enjoyable to read. It is rare for me to find something I actually want to read the entire way through that is that boring. I read through his posts entirely. It is very interesting. Something about his style of writing is appealing.
Now, if only I could duplicate that style so that mine is interesting to read. That style would be so useful in writing essays or anything else for that matter. I don't remember the blog spot so it is impossible to reference. All I know is that he was talking about laundry. 'What an interesting topic' you may comment... Yes, an interesting topic when it is said the way he said it. Of course, I would want my own spin to the style he has, but I want to know his secret. I couldn't say what it was that was appealing. He kept his paragraphs short... He had a stress-free or almost careless approach. Maybe that is it. He just didn't care who read it, and didn't give much thought to the meaning of everything.... And yet strangely he wasn't shallow about things. How does that work? I don't know, or I'd be doing it.
Here's a cute poem I wrote a little bit a while ago:
School
Welcome to the hospital for the un-learned.
The treatment room numbers are patterned.
One to one hundred round the corner and right,
Add one hundred for each floors height.
The doctors are accurate, knowing and kind.
Sure to enlighten, brighten: Cure your mind.
Sick and ailed you must be made better,
So learn your stuff and write us a letter.
The sick beds are placed in columns and rows
We test you and quiz you on who really knows.
On Biology, Physics and Chem must you grill
And don't forget CALM: it's your happy pill.
Essays are easy once you know how,
If you really get stuck figure it out somehow.
We can't really help you: we aren't allowed.
But take off your cap and don't be too loud.
Note: CALM is a Career And Life Management course everyone in highschool has to take.
Monday, March 13
Frustrated
I am really getting frustrated. Here I am with some spare time to view other blogs and I am simply disgusted. I don't want to look at half of these blogs because MORE than half is junk! It is full of porn and crappy words! This is pathetic! I thought I was going to look at the blogs, you know, cause I kind of expect someone to do the same for me. But, gosh! I can't look at that junk. There is no way I am going to cruise around. Not anymore. Nope. Junk is what it is and it can stay there.
Trapped...
Well... What do I do? I am completely trapped. Dude, just leave me alone. I am so SICK of guys. Why do they show any interest in me? Because I'm 'pretty'? Why do I care? Oh man... I am SO sick of guys. I just want them to all leave me alone... What a strange post, and what a strange problem.
I think some people would love my problem... Well, I don't. I feel so trapped. There seems to be no escape. I feel caged in on every side. They are great people to be sure. Great, fearless, handsome, wonderful people. People I could spend the rest of my life with. But no... Is it something wrong with me? It must be. I mean they are great people and any one would jump at any of the
chances given to me. Why then, and what is wrong with me? I don't want anything to do with romance. GAH! I want to live life. Shucks to the romance. Blah and forgu to the romance. I don't want it. Maybe later. I am not up for it right now.
So instead I'll post a picture of a picture I've been working on recently.
I think some people would love my problem... Well, I don't. I feel so trapped. There seems to be no escape. I feel caged in on every side. They are great people to be sure. Great, fearless, handsome, wonderful people. People I could spend the rest of my life with. But no... Is it something wrong with me? It must be. I mean they are great people and any one would jump at any of the
chances given to me. Why then, and what is wrong with me? I don't want anything to do with romance. GAH! I want to live life. Shucks to the romance. Blah and forgu to the romance. I don't want it. Maybe later. I am not up for it right now.So instead I'll post a picture of a picture I've been working on recently.
Saturday, March 11
New day....
Well, a new day has come... 
I am awfully tired. I don't want to move, I am just exhausted even though the day is only in the beginning stretches. I haven't DONE anything to make myself tired! A little frustrating, to be sure.
Something funny this morning: my dog (who is NOT by any means allowed on the furniture) was calmly chilaxing on the sofa just soaking up the comfort until I entered the room. She knows she's not allowed on the furniture but she sat on that thing like she owned it. I didn't want to get upset and move her but rules are rules. It was adorable.
This is my flying dog....
Last night He called. I don't know what to do. I suppose I should call him back. I am not really in the mood, or I mean I don't feel prepared or ready to face what ever it is that he called about. Sad to say, but true. I feel almost trapped by the fact that he called. That is cruel, but I don't know how else to say it.
I told him that I didn't want to get "involved" with him right now and so he took it to mean that I want to get involved with as many people as possible in order for me to find out that he really is the one for me. But, I guess I didn't do a good enough job explaining, because I don't want to date ANYONE right now. He's a great guy, and I love him, but I don't want a relationship right now. I mean come on! I am 17! I don't need that kind of complication right now.
So I feel trapped. Should I call him? Or would it seem like I was leading him on to call him? I feel great just being friends, but it never seems to stop there for anyone else I witness in this situation. It's either boyfriend-girlfriend, or nadda. Hooked up, or zilch. There seems to be no "in-between, let's just be friends". So I am caught. I'd love to talk to him, but I doubt it will be without a word of "I love you" from him. I don't want him to love me like that. Not now. I don't want that yet. I'm 17!! I haven't lived life yet! Argh...
Oh well, I am sure something good will come of this and I'll live.
I am awfully tired. I don't want to move, I am just exhausted even though the day is only in the beginning stretches. I haven't DONE anything to make myself tired! A little frustrating, to be sure.
Something funny this morning: my dog (who is NOT by any means allowed on the furniture) was calmly chilaxing on the sofa just soaking up the comfort until I entered the room. She knows she's not allowed on the furniture but she sat on that thing like she owned it. I didn't want to get upset and move her but rules are rules. It was adorable.This is my flying dog....
Last night He called. I don't know what to do. I suppose I should call him back. I am not really in the mood, or I mean I don't feel prepared or ready to face what ever it is that he called about. Sad to say, but true. I feel almost trapped by the fact that he called. That is cruel, but I don't know how else to say it.
I told him that I didn't want to get "involved" with him right now and so he took it to mean that I want to get involved with as many people as possible in order for me to find out that he really is the one for me. But, I guess I didn't do a good enough job explaining, because I don't want to date ANYONE right now. He's a great guy, and I love him, but I don't want a relationship right now. I mean come on! I am 17! I don't need that kind of complication right now.
So I feel trapped. Should I call him? Or would it seem like I was leading him on to call him? I feel great just being friends, but it never seems to stop there for anyone else I witness in this situation. It's either boyfriend-girlfriend, or nadda. Hooked up, or zilch. There seems to be no "in-between, let's just be friends". So I am caught. I'd love to talk to him, but I doubt it will be without a word of "I love you" from him. I don't want him to love me like that. Not now. I don't want that yet. I'm 17!! I haven't lived life yet! Argh...
Oh well, I am sure something good will come of this and I'll live.
Thursday, March 9
This is my second blog-spot because I made a nice new one but forgot the address. Go figure. The reason I want a blog to begin with is that I just need a place to go where I can say what I feel. I mean, I guess I am feeling kinda glum and I just want to talk about it. Strangely, I don't want to talk to someone about it because I don't feel that they'd understand. Or maybe they'd ask too many questions. I am looking for someone to listen, even if no one does. At least there is a chance that someone will read it. I suppose more people than just myself come to the internet to post blogs for the same reason. They just need someone to listen. But do people actually read these? Aren't we all too busy posting? I don't know the answer. I know that I am too busy right now to be reading other people's posts. Which is sad because I am expecting someone to do that for me. Oh, I know that at some point I'll read blogs posted by others but I am not in a good position to do that right now. I hope I can return the favor if someone needs it of me.
There are so many things that I want from life but I don't feel that I can get them. I am completely unmotivated right now. If I was motivated, I think I would go out there and get the things I need, but as is, I am sitting here at the library computer posting blogs for reasons unknown to me. Or, maybe they are known but not conciously. I mean there are so many things I should be doing instead right now. But as soon as I start my essay or try to gear my mind towards something, it just doesn't stick. It floats around like it were a bubble in water, constantly distracted and going back to the singularly same thing. A guy. Yes, though to any one who knew me a half-year ago would gawk at that last sentence, it is true. A guy came into my life. Interesting isn't it? I mean how is it that the one thing we try to avoid comes to us? The one thing I didn't want put itself in my way. Do I regret the time I've had with him? No. It's from here on though that I have to make choices that I won't regret later. I feel that if I don't do something or if I DO do something I am going to regret it. I want to pause and take a look at it... But I don't think that is possible. So I am left here to just speculate and cry. Oh well.... I guess life will go on won't it? That is the comfort I get from most people. "Oh he's just a guy. It'll pass." It's almost as though I don't want it to pass, and yet I do. Conflicting messages, I know. I don't want to deal with this all right now. I just want to live independantly right now. Is something wrong with that? Or was it Ok until he came into the picture? Is it Ok to want that again? Ah... Well, I will go on. I will live. I'll get over it. I will have to. I can't stay here sulking, or I'll drag myself under. I feel that my head is already under water, which would be fine unless I stay there. But I will drown if I don't do something. So I have to make up my mind and go one way or another.
There are so many things that I want from life but I don't feel that I can get them. I am completely unmotivated right now. If I was motivated, I think I would go out there and get the things I need, but as is, I am sitting here at the library computer posting blogs for reasons unknown to me. Or, maybe they are known but not conciously. I mean there are so many things I should be doing instead right now. But as soon as I start my essay or try to gear my mind towards something, it just doesn't stick. It floats around like it were a bubble in water, constantly distracted and going back to the singularly same thing. A guy. Yes, though to any one who knew me a half-year ago would gawk at that last sentence, it is true. A guy came into my life. Interesting isn't it? I mean how is it that the one thing we try to avoid comes to us? The one thing I didn't want put itself in my way. Do I regret the time I've had with him? No. It's from here on though that I have to make choices that I won't regret later. I feel that if I don't do something or if I DO do something I am going to regret it. I want to pause and take a look at it... But I don't think that is possible. So I am left here to just speculate and cry. Oh well.... I guess life will go on won't it? That is the comfort I get from most people. "Oh he's just a guy. It'll pass." It's almost as though I don't want it to pass, and yet I do. Conflicting messages, I know. I don't want to deal with this all right now. I just want to live independantly right now. Is something wrong with that? Or was it Ok until he came into the picture? Is it Ok to want that again? Ah... Well, I will go on. I will live. I'll get over it. I will have to. I can't stay here sulking, or I'll drag myself under. I feel that my head is already under water, which would be fine unless I stay there. But I will drown if I don't do something. So I have to make up my mind and go one way or another.
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