It's all about people, not where I'm gonna live

I thought I was deciding on a city for the winter, but I'm not. My bus life can't support me through the cold months, it's not warm enough. So I thought I needed to choose a city to live in.

But it turns out, I need to slim down, sell the bus and travel as light as possible. Bring as few a set of items as I can and buy a vehicle much smaller than the bus, and connect with people so I can launch my business in the summer.

It's all about the people, not about location. I'm happy to finally understand that. :)

Neglect and Homelessness - a sickness you can't see

I own no pairs of pants right now.
I do own one t-shirt however, and that one is dirty.
I have 3 dollars in my pocket, and yesterday's rice in a pot which I plan to eat for breakfast and probably lunch.

I am one of those people who has fallen through the cracks of society. I have been forgotten and neglected. In fact, I have been forgotten and neglected so often in life that I'm just so used to looking after myself I've forgotten how to accept help. I call it independence. I stubbornly take care of myself without anyone's help.

But the truth is, it's not independence. An example of how it's not independence, and how my state of mind is actually quite twisted and ill: I was hired to make a design for $70. I made the design. The person asks how I'd like to be paid. I freeze up and cut communication. It's been a week and they haven't heard from me. The subconscious thought I'm having? 'I don't need you, I don't need your money, and I reject you for trying to help me!' and this happens all the time. I reject people and their money even though I need it desperately and I've earned it.

Like I said, I have 3 dollars in my pocket. I need the money. And I did the work. And they want to pay me. I earned it. WTF?

I've been neglected so much of my life I've simply learned that when people give you things or are nice to you, they want something from you. It's like there are these invisible strings attached that they don't tell you about but that they blame you for not knowing existed.

I was going to therapy a while back and that was helping, but I don't have any money for therapy right now. I don't even have money for food. I'm living in a bus in a trailer park. I use the bathroom at fast food restaurants and charge my devices with an extension cord running through the door of the trailer next to me.

My phone bill is overdue by two months and so my phone will get cut off soon. I have no gas money to refill the bus and my tank is hovering just above empty.

But I'm in Fort McMurray! You'd think I could find a job no problem, super easy and it would pay me well. But I freeze up when it comes to money. I have so many issues I can't even function in society like a normal human being. I'm confused and alone and it feels like I have no way of getting out of this by myself.

My community failed me. How does someone become homeless? Well it happens when you aren't looking. It happens when you turn away and you don't look because you don't want to look and it 'should be someone else's problem to fix'.

And rightly, you should feel the desire to help - but don't help me. Help the people around you before they fall through the cracks. I'll pick myself up and dust myself off like the person you know me to be. I'm a fighter and I'll get back up, but please, for God's sake, save them before they fall through the cracks! I'm showing you a side of your world you probably don't want to see. It's there, but you just aren't looking.

So I'm gonna put on my only t-shirt, and my one pair of shorts, and I'm going to clean my bus up and then I'm going to rebuild my life. Ya'll can ever so kindly fuck right off because this independent woman is gonna fight for a better life and then scream from the top that she did it herself.

To the community that rejected me, I forgive you.
To the family that taught me, I forgive you.
To my mother who raised me, I forgive you.
To my alcoholic ex step dad, I forgive you.
To my father who wasn't around much, I forgive you.
To my lovers who broke me, I forgive you.
To my friends who turned away, I forgive you.
To my religious leaders who shaped me, I forgive you.

I forgive you because you didn't know what you were doing either.

But just because I forgive, does not mean I will trust those who cannot be trusted. Forgiveness and trust are two different things. If you want my trust, you'll have to earn it by asking how you can repair the damage.

I will grow and I will learn and I will grow and I will learn and one day I will make it to the top. And one day they might ask how I got to the top. And I will forgive them for not knowing.

What a lovely day....

"Shut your silence up.
I can hear it from all the way over here."

The truth.

If they'd just leave me alone, go away, let me die... 

I'd learn real quick to give up or survive 

and I'd find a way out from the pain of this kind. 

Don't make me love you, don't let me forget, 

but please let me go so you know what was left 

when you said I was responsible for your desire to die,

like my love was so toxic I could poison your life. 

Well, if I am so twisted, so despicably gross, 

then leave me alone, my memory and ghost. 

I'll find my own way, and I won't give a fuck. 

You ran out of time when you ran out of luck 

as you tore holes in my soul 

with the words that broke love.

It's ok, is ok, I'm not selling you short, 

I'm just telling the truth instead of praising your worth.

You think you're immune, like the arrow and moon, 

but I am your weakness now and that's just the truth.

So for your sake and my sake I'm running away. 

So you can have peace and I can be safe. 

And maybe one day you can atone for your wrongs, 

but until then, my love, you're no more than a song.

Phones and Emails

I think phones and email is good, but comes with a downside.

Because I CAN be reached at virtually any time of the day, those I am close to think there's something WRONG if I can't be reached.

Nothing is wrong, I just don't want to be interrupted while I figure my life out that just turned on my head. I'm picking up pieces and don't plan to pick up the phone. I'll let you know when I'm back up in the world of functional adults.

Lessons on love

I'm learning the hard way - if there ever was an easy way - the real meaning of love.

Some time ago I thought to myself I knew what love was. It has gone around the heart in twisted knots rediscovering it's own definition as the heart redefined the word: love.

For the longest time I thought it was a selfless act. I was taught love was selfless. But they taught me wrong.

For the longest time I thought love was focusing on another the attention and time they wanted. But I have come to the answer the long way round, that true love is only ever a completely selfish thing. To love someone else is best done when my aim is self-serving for the feelings it infuses in my own chest.

Love is selfish and the more truely selfish I am in giving myself time to be alone, to work through my own problems, to treat myself well, the more others feel loved. How twisted is that?

Note to self:

If you’re going through a breakup, or major life transition, consider the following advice:

As soon as you feel ready to, begin to off-load the physical clutter from your life. Begin to orient yourself and create enough blank spaces in your life that the good stuff can easily fill those spaces back up.