Mind Games

There's a part of me that wants to sit down and write everything that's been playing through my head. And almost literally it has been playing through my head, like a movie re-run on the stage of my imagination. Scenes from past events, current events, and future experiences; they run over and over and make me dizzy with confusion. And I want to just sit down here and let my fingers take on the role of the script writer, flying over the keys into the world of stories and make-believe, hoping that some sense will come of my desire to express myself.

But there's another part of me here too, that says (firstly) "Sera, you ought to be asleep right now, what on EARTH are you still doing up!?" To which I have no reply. No satisfactory answer. All I know is that I'm not following a schedule or logic for that matter, and instead I sit here waiting for a thought to strike me as though I were waiting for lightning to suddenly pierce my thoughts and thereby provide the answers to my quarries. And so this second half of me sits here scolding myself for siting here without understanding or reason for doing so. None that can be explained anyway. Not by logic to that half of my brain that is demanding those answers.

I've had this happen before. I've had feelings, and reasons I thought one way, that I couldn't figure out, and I knew there were reasons but I was left unable to give any reason at all for them. Later on of course, much further after the opportunity to have done something about the feelings, I found myself in a quiet room pondering when suddenly the thought hit me and I realized what the source was, and the reason for the feeling. But by then it was much too late. The person I was speaking to had probably forgotten the conversation, and was on to other more noble efforts, while I stewed on the thought at hand. And so here I am trying to come up with a reason for that half of me that is demanding a sensible answer. And I just don't have an answer.

So now I have a dilemma. I've got one half of me saying "Express yourself and find answers" while the other half says "Go to bed before you say something you'll regret"... meanwhilst I recognize that I've chosen the path directly in between. I've sat down as if to begin expressing myself, but have not allowed myself one word about how I'm actually feeling. Instead I've side-stepped the whole issue.

Which makes me think a little bit here about the phrase that I've come to adopt "How you do one thing is how you do everything." I agree fully, and now if I support that quote so whole-heartedly, I must take a moment to consider that indeed, I live life like I have done this one thing. Which is true. Here I have ridden the line in between going and staying, in between jumping in and sitting on the beach, in between yes and no. And I live life like that. I now realize that I live my life by the word"maybe".

I think I should change that. But for now it's time for bed. I'll have to say what's going on in my head at some later time. Maybe once I've done some figuring out. But shhhh... My favourite re-run is about to start, and I don't want to miss it. I might find the answer this time.