There is something I want to put a name to. But I feel watched like a rodent being hunted just in mentioning it. There is a name for this thing that I wish to speak out loud, but I fear the hunter. Who is the hunter? I think it is several people, myself included, locked in the room of the Board of Directors. And yet the hunter can be summarized into one horrific word: Fear.
I want to say it though. I want to tell myself out loud that I know it’s name and I know where it is, and let myself know that I’m coming to find this… this… thing.
There are oceans to sail, mountains to climb, souls to meet, adventures and dreams to discover, and while I sit here writing all these things that I ache for in my heart, I feel a part of me slip away because I know that it’s all just wishful thinking. The Fear will not let me have these things. It will not let me take risks. More than anything else in this world, the innermost workings of my soul seem to Fear the one thing I ought to already have, and that I want most: a Life on Fire.
To live, to feel excited, elated, empowered, on fire! And oh how I envy this in other people - when they are alive, with a glow in their eyes - I can not. I am filled intensely, immediately with the Fear. Overpowering, petrifying, damning… I remain shackled and hunted. At any point when I let out for a moment the desires of my yearning soul for adventure, love, or life, I am turned directly over to the Board of Directors who unceremoniously and predictably steals my feet from beneath me and leaves me hopeless, struggling and fatigued.
I am so very tired. So very tired of the battle that is constantly raging and killing inside. So much of my life has been stolen by the phrase “What if …”. I fear life - really living - more than this half-dead state I am in. How backwards is that? What happened to that Flame? Where I can I go to access it? If the hallway that leads to the Board of Directors is in my physical form, then is not the Flame of Life hiding somewhere in here too? Maybe I just need to explore these rooms some more… these corridors, and storage rooms in my head. But the problem is, if I go exploring and I get caught, I’ll go straight back to the Board of Directors. And somehow I always feel that my mind gets wiped of any and all traces of the Flame, so I have to start from scratch if I want to search again.
In other words, if I begin searching for a way to make me feel excited and happy, the Fear will immediately kick in, and find me, and haul me off, stealing any chance I had of becoming excited or on Fire. So maybe what I need to do is find a way to get rid of the Board of Directors. They aren’t doing a very good job of directing… Maybe I can get rid of them. If I get rid of the army on one side of the battle, then I should be able to stop the war.
So how do I get rid of the Board of Directors?