Not Just Mess

If you ever decide to rob me, check the bible. That's where the valuables are.

Most ELSE of value lies on the floor. To be stepped upon, unfortunately. Microphone... video camera... CD player... even a portable sewing machine (don't ask). I would like to insist that this is just my way of reinforcing the belief that "stuff" in comparison to people, isn't worth all that much in the end. Just joking. I don't actually leave stuff on the floor for that reason. It's just a junk yard for a short/small amount of time (hopefully!!) until I get my mind sorted properly. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: The state of my room directly correlates to the state of my mind. If one is messy, the other will be also.

And messy - my mind is. It's a jumble of half-hearted successes and whole-hearted failures. When an opportunity comes my way, I'm likely to misguidedly refuse to take it due to my lack of cognitive ability in that moment or I may accept with momentary clarity of mind, only to thwart myself later (once again) with a lack of cognitive ability. Either way, you can likely imagine the state of my room, as half of it is whole-heartedly organized with shelving, drawers, labels etc, and the other half is half-heartedly "almost" organized on the floor in different semi-quadrants of my room by what would be defined as "mess". And I wish that every time I removed an item from the floor, some part of my life would magically unravel itself and grab hold my brain to say "a good idea for you to chase right now would be [insert high-priority activity]".

But it's easier for me to ignore the messy room for now, just as it's easier to socialize away my problems, and simply procrastinate the things I know I ought to get done. I've learned lately that I say "yes" to all sorts of different activities, to avoid the inevitably uncomfortable ones. I wish I were a little more on top of things because there are many things I would like to succeed at and seem incapable of succeeding at. Unfortunately, I have big dreams, lots of pride and a very SMALL attention span. All in all, not a good combo for success.

Is it silly to hope for that to change? I'd say no: step one is to hope. Step two would be to DO something about that hope. Which I will call faith. Step three would be to thwart the challenges that make me want to quit by exercising faith a second time to persevere enough to actually SUCCEED. (^^ you can tell I think too much when...)

There's a whole lot of wishing on my part, that I could get up the guts to be more than I am. I believe I can achieve success, but for some reason it's hard to make it real. I wish it were more than wishing. I've come a good distance through this journey so far, but I have a ways to go yet. But I'm a speed junky and don't like to wait. Apparently I have a lot to learn.