I'm now 33

 Strange. Still alive. Wasn't expecting that one.

And what a weird life! I thought I had it in the bag on some level. Back when I was younger and believed in a fantasy version of reality. I had no idea how vastly different it really was.

And yet, I've also come to realize life is not as vastly different as what I grew up believing. It still comes down to being like a child, full of wonder and curiosity, love and empathy for vulnerable things. I didn't understand what I had. I think I value it with more maturity now, even though the framework is no longer valid for my life path. I still see religion as a brilliant way to essentially pass along a book of memes, a common language shared by believers, and as such, it is a powerful way of being which offers vast value to the next generations, so long as they can still think and act for themselves, adapting to the new life we have and not repeating the same pathologies of our foreparents.

I read my book of mormon the other day, when I was in deep despair, and found comfort in the words of a man who became a legend to his people. A myth more than anything. Joseph Smith was not particularly educated and yet he had a gift in the way he presented the world to his followers. I don't entirely think his ideas were bogus. I wish I could forget the truth I know now though and just follow a script, but I can't go back. I see his empire with its full truth now and not just the fantasy.

I am surprised to have lived to see 33. Every year past 20 has been a shock. I believed his words about the end of days. I see it much differently now. He wasn't entirely wrong. But Jesus and the second coming weren't as literal or dangerous. Much more nuanced and internal. An individual sense of Christ and a second coming inside each human, embracing their own truth and compass of compassion. 

So here's to the best year I've ever had the fortune of living.... Having been raised from the dead by my own bloody hands, I am made new in the knowledge that my old life is gone and I have a chance to start over, trusting only in the step in front of me and the guidance I feel when I lean into the bigger picture.

I thought I knew shit before. 

Maybe I don't need to.

Maybe I'm enough, just as I am.