1. Shake hands with a celebrity

Quite some time ago, somewhere in the vicinity of a year and a half or more, I went to Waterton with a foursome group. There was Christy, Dustin, Davis, and some other kid I still can't recall the name of.

We went to Waterton - a really great national park during a time when the grounds were impeccable - the perfect season for exploring. I didn't feel like hiking so much as just wandering around and enjoying it all. Davis was of the same mind set. We kicked around for a while enjoying the scenery and then after quite a few hours, the other three came back from the hike, and we went for ice-cream in the tourist part of town.

I noticed a sign across the street about some sort of appearance by David Suzuki. I absolutely loved watching his television programs as a kid. I loved his insight, and his stories, and of course the pictures. After the initial shock/wow-this-guy-is-actually-here, I mentioned to the people around me that there was this great opportunity to meet this famous person right across the street from us.

We headed over to the book store across the street, and immediately I saw him. I saw David Suzuki. Not in his glamorized form, but in his disheveled appearance of a book seller.

But that was it. I personally didn't go talk to him. Jon, Christy, Dustin, and the other guy all went up and talked to him. Shook his hand. Inside I was shouting "NO! This is MY personal hero! This was MY hero, and they didn't barely know who he was! How dare they go talk to him when I couldn't!"

But that's just it. I couldn't. It's not that I didn't, or shouldn't. I could not.

That haunted me the whole trip back. The question kept going around in my head, "why couldn't I talk to him? Why couldn't I shake his hand?"

Since that time, this experience has been relived by me over and over again as I have met incredible individuals who I can not speak to or confront in anyway. I've watched members of the 70, celebrities of note, and acquaintances whom I respect greatly all pass before me like pages of a book I wished to skip. And each time I have questioned myself. "Why? Why didn't I speak to them?"

And since then I have found an answer. And the answer hurts. I couldn't talk to any of them because I was afraid that I was so insignificant that I was unlovable. So insignificant that it didn't matter what I said or did, they would either take no notice of me, or barely tolerate my frustrating intrusion on their world. I have come to understand that fear that I am just another face in the crowd, unlovable and despicable and I do not wish to pester them. For they, of all people do not need to be pestered by people like me.


Yesterday I realized something different. Someone who I consider amazing was leaving on a mission. I don't really know him all that well, but I've seen him quite enough to realize that he is open and giving almost constantly. Every time I have seen him, he has a smile on his face, and a compliment for someone, and always always genuine. I couldn't speak to him. In the same way that I watched Davis, and Christy and Dustin go shake David Suzuki's hand, I watched my friends go talk to and congratulate this man.

At first I sunk into the same depressed state as with Suzuki. I lowered myself down with thoughts like "Who would want to talk to me? I stutter, and I'm awkward. I'm a nobody to talk to someone so amazing."

But then I just stopped. "No. I don't like this. I exist, and I'm proud of that fact, not embarrassed by it. I don't need to be ashamed of who I am." It surprised myself. For some reason I didn't want to let others get what I wanted, while I just sat there, jealously envying them. I wanted to want, and be ok with wanting.

I'm ok with who I am. I don't need the rest of the world to reach out to me before I get what I want. This is new, and I'm still adjusting, but I'd like to prove to myself that this is really what I believe.


So, this is to the Next Celebrity I have the opportunity to meet: I'm shaking your hand. Not because I want your contact, but to prove that I can do it. To prove that I am ok with myself enough and believe that I am not of lower rank than you. Sorry if that's inconvenient or intrudes on your little world, but that's life, and if shaking someone's hand intrudes on your world, then that's an interesting fact about you, not a sin on my part. And maybe we can even have a decent conversation. I think that would be nice.