I'm a little stunned that it happened at all, and just got back from being up in the city where he lived at the time. I had hoped to comfort his family and friends and offer help with funeral prep while up there, and although I created a slideshow for the funeral, I'm not sure I did much else.
Over all, I'm really confused because there are so many emotions vying for position and I don't know which one to let take the stage. I'd like for just one emotion to settle in so I can just BE... Just feel SOMETHING... Anything solid would be nice. Just something to go off of so I could cry, rage, smile, dance, or crawl into a corner and rock myself to sleep... any one thing would be great. I just want to feel one thing at a time instead of all of them at once, leaving me incapable of anything but confusion and numbness. And damn, it doesn't help at all to have a break up in the midst of it... Just to make the feelings that much more confusing and layered... Shit.
Do I feel absolute love for my friend still? Yes.
Do I feel sad because I know I'm going to miss him? Yes.
Do I feel awkward that I don't know what words to say to others he was close with? Yes.
Do I feel relief that I don't have to pay him back for his small loan now? Yes.
Do I feel responsible for helping others to remember him? Yes.
Do I feel happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel shameful to feel so happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel curious about where his soul might be right now? Yes.
Do I feel grateful he went before me so now it's safer to go wherever he is? Yes.
Do I feel tired of thinking about it altogether? Yes.
Do I feel impatient with others who don't get what's going on yet? Yes.
Do I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings? Yes.
Or maybe I just want to know for myself how I really feel...
Anything solid would be nice.
2 comments:
Sarah, you are such a powerful individual. When I saw that you were taking on the role of informing everyone about the death, I didn't know how you held it together. Relax on yourself a bit. You've experienced a lot of death in your life, more than that, a lot of close-to-your-heart deaths. I don't think anyone really knows how to deal with death. I don't think there's any emotion that can cover all of it. All you can do is take it day by day, step by step, and try to move forward. I don't see you having much of an issue with that, you always seem to be moving forward, and I admire you for that. Also, know that if you ever need a friend, I'm here. <3
Thanks. It's all good in the end I think. It's actually really beautiful, the idea of dying. Dying doesn't frighten me anymore. Living does still (which is NOT a suicidal thought, I promise that no matter how much it sounds like it, it's not). I just really want to understand my thoughts and feelings about living. Something is stuck for me at the moment. It's really stuck. You ever get that way? It's like a lie has stabbed through my cloak, pinning me to the ground. Until I remove the lie, I'll be here struggling against it. :/ Just have to figure out what it is.
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