Grad!!

Choosing grad dresses is hard!! Dude, and to find one that has sleeves is near impossible. SO here are my choices (creations)thus far:

Taking a look around
(And the rain falls)
I see water on the ground
(And my spirit calls)

In the rain I sing
(See the rain fall)
Without a care of anything
(See my spirit call)

Soaring above pain
(Rain splashes on my face)
As a child free again
(My spirit loves this place)

Taking a look around
(As the rain falls)
Puddles on the ground
(And my spirit calls)

But finally it drops
(And the rain stills)
The rain finally stops
(And my skin chills)

I look around again
(No more rain here)
Free now of the pain
(There's no more fear)

Once again now sad
(I watch the rain fall)
Witness to rain I'm glad
(I hear my spirit call)

I leave the dry
(I feel the rain)
Now I can cry
(Sad leaves again)

Within the precious rain
(Can't see tears while wet)
A healing power for pain
(It helps us to forget)

Great feelings

I haven't written in a while. A lot of feelings have been mixed up lately and I felt so alone this past week. Only today and yesterday have been better. I had been really depressed, (I am good at getting myself depressed... jeez, I just think of everything that has sucked lately and there you go. I'm depressed.) but not today because I have found a cure. It's not to think "Oh I'm better than all the people around me" but it is to think, "Some day I'll be a leader, and who knows who I'll lead. Right now some one may look up to me so I better fill the role." And then BAM! I feel better. I feel like "I'm going to be great one day, so right now I'm going to be the best I can."

It's a great feeling.

Morning of the 15th

You know what? Most people hit the 'snooze' button, right? hehe... And to think what I do...

Ok, picture this if you can;
I'm sleeping in bed and my alarm goes off at 6:14am. I get up, walk over the the other side of the room where my alarm rests on my dresser, and turn it off. I then go back to bed.

At 6:20am, my second alarm goes off, so I get up, and completely aware of my surroundings, I set my alarm to 6:25am. Then I go back to bed to pick up on my dream deprivation.

I then get back up at the appointed 6:25am and again set my alarm to a different time. I set it to 6:30am instead.

At 6:30am, I get up, turn off my alarm and turn on the light because I know that I can't sleep in any longer than 6:30am or my schedule is thrown off.
What a way to get up hey?

I don't hit the snooze. ;)

Hahaha!!

I am really excited. I actually cleaned my room. I know, I know, it's not all that exciting. But it excites me! I can WALK on my floor instead of side-stepping around the edges. It's great. I really should have taken before and after pictures but I am not done yet, and well... I didn't take before pictures so it is basically impossible unless I want to re-mess my room.

Confusing

This stuff is fairly confusing. I've been trying to get my site up and working. I'm having fun and I am learning lots. What is annoying me though is that the server or the hosting service goes down. It's been down as long as I've had the service. Grr... I can't place any pictures on the site because it is an "Internal Service Error". Sooo... I guess that only leaves me one option. My brother. He'll know what to do. Here's some of the pictures just because I am so frustrated that it didn't work on the other site.

I can't believe this. This site won't load the pictures either. This is frustrating. Ok, well maybe there is something wrong with my computer.


HA!! I finally got it working! These pictures are going to roll down from the top hopefully and have the options of the site listed on them. I am pretty happy with the look they have so far. So here they are:

Flags and school

I just discovered "Flags". I didn't know what that was for before (showing how realistically new to this whole blogging thing I am...) So, I have discovered that blogs can be flagged if objectionable content is displayed. I like the idea.

So, considering that the 'flag' option is available I feel a bit safer. But before I wrote the post before this one, I actually did a little cruising of blogs. I can't remember what the address was, but I found a certain blog spot that was of particular interest to me. It is not that the subject was interesting. Far from it. It was just every day entries. What DID interest me was the fact that it was enjoyable to read. It is rare for me to find something I actually want to read the entire way through that is that boring. I read through his posts entirely. It is very interesting. Something about his style of writing is appealing.

Now, if only I could duplicate that style so that mine is interesting to read. That style would be so useful in writing essays or anything else for that matter. I don't remember the blog spot so it is impossible to reference. All I know is that he was talking about laundry. 'What an interesting topic' you may comment... Yes, an interesting topic when it is said the way he said it. Of course, I would want my own spin to the style he has, but I want to know his secret. I couldn't say what it was that was appealing. He kept his paragraphs short... He had a stress-free or almost careless approach. Maybe that is it. He just didn't care who read it, and didn't give much thought to the meaning of everything.... And yet strangely he wasn't shallow about things. How does that work? I don't know, or I'd be doing it.

Here's a cute poem I wrote a little bit a while ago:

School
Welcome to the hospital for the un-learned.
The treatment room numbers are patterned.
One to one hundred round the corner and right,
Add one hundred for each floors height.

The doctors are accurate, knowing and kind.
Sure to enlighten, brighten: Cure your mind.
Sick and ailed you must be made better,
So learn your stuff and write us a letter.

The sick beds are placed in columns and rows
We test you and quiz you on who really knows.
On Biology, Physics and Chem must you grill
And don't forget CALM: it's your happy pill.

Essays are easy once you know how,
If you really get stuck figure it out somehow.
We can't really help you: we aren't allowed.
But take off your cap and don't be too loud.

Note: CALM is a Career And Life Management course everyone in highschool has to take.

Frustrated

I am really getting frustrated. Here I am with some spare time to view other blogs and I am simply disgusted. I don't want to look at half of these blogs because MORE than half is junk! It is full of porn and crappy words! This is pathetic! I thought I was going to look at the blogs, you know, cause I kind of expect someone to do the same for me. But, gosh! I can't look at that junk. There is no way I am going to cruise around. Not anymore. Nope. Junk is what it is and it can stay there.

Trapped...

Well... What do I do? I am completely trapped. Dude, just leave me alone. I am so SICK of guys. Why do they show any interest in me? Because I'm 'pretty'? Why do I care? Oh man... I am SO sick of guys. I just want them to all leave me alone... What a strange post, and what a strange problem.
I think some people would love my problem... Well, I don't. I feel so trapped. There seems to be no escape. I feel caged in on every side. They are great people to be sure. Great, fearless, handsome, wonderful people. People I could spend the rest of my life with. But no... Is it something wrong with me? It must be. I mean they are great people and any one would jump at any of the chances given to me. Why then, and what is wrong with me? I don't want anything to do with romance. GAH! I want to live life. Shucks to the romance. Blah and forgu to the romance. I don't want it. Maybe later. I am not up for it right now.

So instead I'll post a picture of a picture I've been working on recently.

New day....

Well, a new day has come...

I am awfully tired. I don't want to move, I am just exhausted even though the day is only in the beginning stretches. I haven't DONE anything to make myself tired! A little frustrating, to be sure.

Something funny this morning: my dog (who is NOT by any means allowed on the furniture) was calmly chilaxing on the sofa just soaking up the comfort until I entered the room. She knows she's not allowed on the furniture but she sat on that thing like she owned it. I didn't want to get upset and move her but rules are rules. It was adorable.
This is my flying dog....

Last night He called. I don't know what to do. I suppose I should call him back. I am not really in the mood, or I mean I don't feel prepared or ready to face what ever it is that he called about. Sad to say, but true. I feel almost trapped by the fact that he called. That is cruel, but I don't know how else to say it.
I told him that I didn't want to get "involved" with him right now and so he took it to mean that I want to get involved with as many people as possible in order for me to find out that he really is the one for me. But, I guess I didn't do a good enough job explaining, because I don't want to date ANYONE right now. He's a great guy, and I love him, but I don't want a relationship right now. I mean come on! I am 17! I don't need that kind of complication right now.
So I feel trapped. Should I call him? Or would it seem like I was leading him on to call him? I feel great just being friends, but it never seems to stop there for anyone else I witness in this situation. It's either boyfriend-girlfriend, or nadda. Hooked up, or zilch. There seems to be no "in-between, let's just be friends". So I am caught. I'd love to talk to him, but I doubt it will be without a word of "I love you" from him. I don't want him to love me like that. Not now. I don't want that yet. I'm 17!! I haven't lived life yet! Argh...

Oh well, I am sure something good will come of this and I'll live.

This is my second blog-spot because I made a nice new one but forgot the address. Go figure. The reason I want a blog to begin with is that I just need a place to go where I can say what I feel. I mean, I guess I am feeling kinda glum and I just want to talk about it. Strangely, I don't want to talk to someone about it because I don't feel that they'd understand. Or maybe they'd ask too many questions. I am looking for someone to listen, even if no one does. At least there is a chance that someone will read it. I suppose more people than just myself come to the internet to post blogs for the same reason. They just need someone to listen. But do people actually read these? Aren't we all too busy posting? I don't know the answer. I know that I am too busy right now to be reading other people's posts. Which is sad because I am expecting someone to do that for me. Oh, I know that at some point I'll read blogs posted by others but I am not in a good position to do that right now. I hope I can return the favor if someone needs it of me.

There are so many things that I want from life but I don't feel that I can get them. I am completely unmotivated right now. If I was motivated, I think I would go out there and get the things I need, but as is, I am sitting here at the library computer posting blogs for reasons unknown to me. Or, maybe they are known but not conciously. I mean there are so many things I should be doing instead right now. But as soon as I start my essay or try to gear my mind towards something, it just doesn't stick. It floats around like it were a bubble in water, constantly distracted and going back to the singularly same thing. A guy. Yes, though to any one who knew me a half-year ago would gawk at that last sentence, it is true. A guy came into my life. Interesting isn't it? I mean how is it that the one thing we try to avoid comes to us? The one thing I didn't want put itself in my way. Do I regret the time I've had with him? No. It's from here on though that I have to make choices that I won't regret later. I feel that if I don't do something or if I DO do something I am going to regret it. I want to pause and take a look at it... But I don't think that is possible. So I am left here to just speculate and cry. Oh well.... I guess life will go on won't it? That is the comfort I get from most people. "Oh he's just a guy. It'll pass." It's almost as though I don't want it to pass, and yet I do. Conflicting messages, I know. I don't want to deal with this all right now. I just want to live independantly right now. Is something wrong with that? Or was it Ok until he came into the picture? Is it Ok to want that again? Ah... Well, I will go on. I will live. I'll get over it. I will have to. I can't stay here sulking, or I'll drag myself under. I feel that my head is already under water, which would be fine unless I stay there. But I will drown if I don't do something. So I have to make up my mind and go one way or another.