Out of office email:

Hello! 

Thanks for your email! This is an automated response to let you know I'm away right now and haven't actually read your email yet. I'm celebrating the holidays with family until Dec 27th and will read and respond to emails in the order they were received after that date.

If this is an urgent or time-sensitive matter, you can get a hold of me via text or phone. If so, feel free to call or text me. Phones are more fun anyways. :)

Sarah
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printy.ca

The Urge to Wake

When the urge to

transform hits you

like a bullet -

take the hit,

let it change you

there is never another now.

Don't wait on social cues,

don't wait for them to approve

just take the leap

and do it.

No matter the cost

it's worth any loss

to learn and change,

as life appears

to wake you.

Go ahead, make mistakes.

Thought of the day:
"It's OK to make mistakes, because you'll make a lot of them. Just learn to laugh at them so you will be laughing every day." - Robert Goforth

I've noticed that the most successful people in my circles are the ones who have become comfortable making a lot of mistakes and experimenting constantly.

We don't have to be afraid of failure. In fact, I know of no other tool to reach success.

I don't buy it.

"When your brain assigns equal importance to several things at once your attention bottle neck jams. You go attentionally blind to EVERYTHING. It can be merely annoying or catastrophic - for example, a driver engrossed in a cell phone conversation may go mind-blind to an obstacle right in front of his eyes."

"It's unnerving, then that humans have created an environment unnaturally jammed with attention-grabbing information. Take advertising (please). Our brains evolved to pay close attention to unusually bright colors, food, sex, babies, physical danger and other information salient to survival. So marketers bombard us with such images, making them even brighter, louder, gorier, geared to out compete all other attention demands."

It's also quite interesting then, that religions create this ultimate attention grabbing idea of eternal damnation and eternal judgment. Who's not gonna get a little freaked out by that notion? Something we can't see, can't touch, and can't fight is gonna steal our eternal souls into a never ending agony if we don't do what they say.

Somehow, that doesn't sound like an unconditionally loving, selfless, wise God that they teach about.

Ah well, back to the drawing board.

Dear God

I'd like to have a conversation. On behalf of the people who feel the same as I do. Let's have a short conversation if you will.

You're a pretty swell being. I don't know if you're a guy or a gal or if you perhaps are this great neurological connection between the stars and planets and galaxies, and I don't know what to call you oft times because there seems to be such an accumulated stigma around your name.

God. One word, and many people have fought over that word. Do you even relate to the word? Do you think of yourself as a God in any respect that we do? Or are we wrong altogether in thinking there is one being or a bunch of beings out there who as a collective make up "God"?

My guess is that you are me. You are us. You are all of us put together in this great cosmos of a dream. Who's to say we are not measuring up to you, when you very well may be us? So far, I would have thought that thought was such a blasphemous thought to think you'd have struck me down with lightning! I'm either as lucky as all the others who believe such things who've been spared such a fate, or I am you, and in turn you are I.

Perhaps there is no distinction between you and I, because you and I are part of the same process. Is a Manager at Wal-Mart any less engaged in the goings on of the store than a regular employee? Is the Owner of the Wal-Mart chain any less engaged in the company than the Manager of one store? I think one can not function without the other. If either one stopped existing either someone would rise to fill the empty space or the whole thing would collapse altogether. My suspicion is that you are as much invested in our lives as we are, and either you already are us, or your sole interest is in our growth and development as a species.

I'd wager you're a very calm and peaceful God, and you more or less take the position of watching us over here doing what we do, day in and day out, mostly curious, mostly intrigued and a little amused. If I were God, I would be amused. I think there is much less hands-on involvement on your part than what we have recorded in the history book of the Bible because you aren't "trying" to change us in the way we all seem to think you are. When we mess up, you don't smite us like it says you did.

Yet here we are, we fight battles in your name, wear badges of honour as we argue and kill ourselves for you, but I don't think you want that. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're just watching us shaking your head, thinking, "They'll get it eventually... After they reincarnate enough times, they'll get it." I don't think the pain we see around us and experience is permanent, yet I'm not about to inflict more pain just because I said it isn't permanent. It just seems like maybe it'd be nice of you to throw us a bone in helping us get a glimpse of you and your purpose for us a little sooner. I'll admit it would be real cool of you if we didn't think killing each other were the way to win your heart in our favour. Maybe you could send a message to prove we oughtn't do that? Then again, who would believe you in these days of technology? Then again, aren't you all powerful?

Then again, I'm also pretty certain that you have this mischievous plan to inform us of these very things, but that you don't deliver your message by beaming yourself down in a ray of light and declaring it like a bolt of lightning. I'd take a stab at it that if you are us (once again, there's that theme) and that as us, you speak through us, and it very well could be that in my wonderings and wanderings you speak your words through my words. And through Jessy's words. And Mandy's. And Brady's. And and and... Everybody's words. Because if we are you, and you are us, we are just waking up, just discovering ourselves learning to speak your words better than ever before - figuring out our identity. What a beautiful thing to be a part of. What a beautiful sentiment to believe that I am part of God, waking up.

And so, if I am God, and God is me, and God is you and her and him and they... Then we are all innately loveable, worthy, interesting and worth it. Our future, God's future is in our hands.

And so, with that in mind, I want to offer a little more encouragement to all the other Gods out there.

If you're in a place where you don't know what to do... If you're in a place where you feel stuck or afraid... Know this:

There is a part in stories where it looks like everything is about to fall apart. The hero is up against the wall and it looks like the bad guys will win. The hero barely recognizes himself as the hero. Well, now you know. It's just after that dimly lit chapter when things start looking up, characters realize something beautiful about themselves, miracles occur, and BAM! Suddenly everything changes.

Well, life is like those stories. And you're at that part of that book. And it just so happens you are the hero. Not just the hero, but the God. I'm looking forward to reading the next few chapters.

So I'd like to offer a prayer that we might all see the truth in ourselves, and see the God in each other. May we stop arguing and fighting over the details. May we embrace each other in love no matter our faith, no matter our beliefs.

The Leaf

...

If you get one more chance to prove yourself, 

May you take it with both hands

Unhesitatingly and with fervor

For you may never get the chance again...

Even so, whether the first or the last leaf on a tree

We cannot predict its fall. 

A miracle would be its falling close enough to catch.

...

Build bridges, not walls.

There is always something to admire, something to love, something to learn and something in common.

It only takes a little practice to learn to see it instinctively.

Truth is greater than fiction

You know that moment when

You realize,

Damn.

That just happened. 

-- 

"It's like no matter how long it takes -

And we know we don't have that long -

You can't forget those moments." 

-- 

"Who knows when or if one of us will die

But there's a big world out there.

And I get the feeling

We aren't all there is out here." 

-- 

"And at the same time

You are all that matters in here."

Points to chest 

--

Give up they tell me

It's not worth the pain.

Shut up I tell them

It'll be worth it again. 

-- 

Because I just had a moment when

I realized,

Damn.

That just happened. 

Gonna get vulnerable here for a sec... bare with me.

I've been a little socially awkward most of my life, and I've exerted much effort to reclaim what lessons I've missed in the social school of life.

How am I awkward? Well a lot of it has improved over the years with careful paying attention (ie: people watching), and the majority doesn't matter as much as I thought it did, but I still feel the conversation falls flat if I do this one thing. It's not like my chin twitches or something, it's much subtler than that.

It's something to do with my response when someone asks me about myself. For example, someone might ask what I do for a living and instead of answering in any interesting way, I give a point-blank "I'm a graphic designer, and I'm excited about it."... Well the conversation just died there because there was nothing else for the person to go off of. A friend of mine who took drama class (which I unfortunately missed out on during our moving-around-from-one-high-school-to-the-next-phase) said that one major rule in improv drama is to always always add something to the scene for the other actors to build off of. Well that's good advice in any setting, and especially in non-awkward-social interactions.

So instead of just saying what I do with an "I'm so excited about it" I need to tell them what that MEANS to me. For example, if I were to tell someone what it meant for me to do what I do for a living, I might say:

"Well, I'm a graphic designer. I got into graphic design when I was sixteen, more or less by accident and I just kept honing the skill because it seemed to provide a valuable service for people, so I just kept doing it until finally I realized why I wanted to continue doing graphic design. Being a graphic designer sets me free - free to set my own hours, free to chase my passions, free to go anywhere I want to go, free to express myself. Graphic design is my way of giving the greatest gift I could to myself, and that is: freedom."

And who couldn't say something about that? I've given WAY more to build off of than with what I would have said before. And something meaningful to boot! OH MUY GOSH - This is a REVELATION to my finite brain - how did I miss that life lesson???

Just because I know now what it was that I am / was missing, that doesn't mean the problem is solved. I need tips and tricks to put it into practice. Here's one tip I picked up in my search so far:

There are a couple questions which could help others struggling with the same issue of answering with a lack of detail is to ask one of these questions:

"When that opportunity / thought / thing came along, what was it that you overcame to get there?" or "What was it that HELD you back?" or "What inspired you to get to where you are now?" 

THOSE questions are the questions people really want answers to. They are the questions people are usually asking. It makes it interesting. They can build off of the answers you give. Not sure how I missed that social cue, but wow does it make a difference!

"One of the most fundamental things about a good story is the change of a belief. You can use external objects to represent the change of those beliefs, but most of it happens on the inside."
- Amber Johnson

Walk a mile in their shoes. Or not.

You know what messed me up as a kid? The statement: Walk a mile in their shoes.

I adopted that phrase and as a result, never walked in my own shoes till recently. What a view! What a difference! What a revelation!

So check this out. The math surprised me.

If I walk one mile in their shoes, not only am I walking ONE mile in a direction I don't want to go, but I also have to back track ANOTHER mile to get back to the place I was before I started walking.

And not only do I lose time going there and back, but I ALSO lose the time I would have spent walking 2 miles in my OWN direction.

That's a total loss of 4 F***ING miles for every ONE mile I walk in someone else's shoes!!!

This doesn't mean never do it, just don't do it all the time. Just because they say to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, does NOT mean to walk ALL miles in everyone else's shoes. Pick and choose carefully when you want to step into someone else's shoes because you want to make sure you're following your own heart, traveling your own road of life, not someone else's.

Be yourself. Don't let others convince you that you're the problem; be the wall they break themselves against because you won't change.
— Amber J (@Phenomenousity) October 21, 2014

Slow me down

Feels like there has been so much going on lately that I can barely set my eyes on any one thing before something else is thrust in front of me to deal with... it's all a blur, and I'm sure you can relate at some point in your life. 

And I think the issue I really have with it isn't that there are many things happening, but rather that while it all went on (and is still going on), I've done so many things that sting to look back on. It's only ever when I slow down enough to breathe deeply (maybe sit down with some warm tea in my hand and gaze into the flickering firelight again) that I can look at those actions and learn from them. I find it is so important to me to just take time to sit still, getting real with myself, paying attention to the inner goings on, integrating lessons, noticing, experiencing. 

Without those moments, I'm just clockwork, a task zombie, a people pleaser, and ultimately downright miserable. 

Today I needed this reminder to get still with myself, and I'm going to let it sink in. This song says it well: 

Opinions Please....

Confusion. Like an meteorite, it just hit me.

Facebook is an interesting playground because I get to test what it is that other people find interesting. It seems that people find some posts more interesting than others. It's usually quite surprising because I assume some posts which I've poured my heart and soul into should get more attention, but they usually aren't the ones that get conversations started. It's usually the ones that I just stick up thinking "Hm. I relate to that. Isn't that interesting."

But there seems to be a pattern in what people take interest in. Facebook in particular is like this great big testing ground for psychological if-then experiments. Sorry folks, I'm not saying you're all Guinea pigs or lab rats (which terminology in and of itself is a whole other blog post), but that when you want information, isn't facebook a great place to collect information from? I'd just like to say that I really don't see it like this any of the time up until today. So please don't think I'm judging and analyzing comments... That would be uncomfortable.

Anyway, as I was saying, there seems to be a pattern in what people take interest in. It seems to me that a person takes interest in things that are most relevant not to the person telling the story, but to the reader herself. In every case, it seems that people share what is relevant to their world, and yet only if others find it relevant do they respond. Interesting isn't it? I mean, you post something on facebook or you tell someone about your day, and it's not really you or your story they are interested in. They are actually only interested in how it relates to their life. Would you agree?

So now I'm wondering what can I give to other people to add value and substance to their lives through my own experiences?

This is the question, and I am stumped.

It begs a few more questions which I've yet to figure out answers to, such as:

• Is it ok to discuss my triumphs, or is that bragging? Is bragging wrong? What is right? 
• Are my struggles worth sharing with people in general? If so, when and how? 
• Are my tedious activities such as going here or there of interest to anyone? If so, how?
• What is it that others relate to the best? 
• Why do people feel inspired by other's stories? 
• How can I build inspiration into my story? Or can I? 

Anyway I would ADORE you forever if you'd take part in the discussion here. This is very important to me. Question is, is it important enough to you to respond? 

Peaceful Dragonfly

Went out for a walk in the sun the other day and came back with a lesson about the universe.

A few nights ago, my sister and I got talking with a friend about accepting what is, instead of pushing away reality because we don't agree with it or don't like it. One of the things that stood out to me was a thought this friend shared: 

"Set the intension for what you want and let it go." 

For quite possibly my whole life I've been looking for peace and not known where to find it. So setting the intension for peace and then letting go may be the best thing I could do to find peace. Chasing peace in and of itself is not a peaceful energy. Which is what I discovered in a tangible way with a local dragonfly.

As I was walking the other day, I noticed a large dragonfly being blown madly to and fro in the wind (Lethbridge is known for it's raging winds), so much so that the beautiful creature couldn't fly. In curiosity and compassion I picked it up and held it gently in my palms. Curiously enough it didn't even attempt to fly away let alone crawl around my hands to explore. It just sat there, seemingly at peace and relieved to be safe from the wind at last.

It rode in my hands for about five or ten minutes as I walked the few blocks home, unsure what I would do with this peaceful creature. It wasn't until I made it home to my front lawn that I finally decided maybe I would take it inside and keep it since it was so cute and all. But the funniest thing is, as soon as my feet reached the lawn, the dragonfly suddenly decided this was its stop and it flew away.

It was only seconds after I decided I would keep it that it flew away. There is something telling about that since the dragonfly embodied peace to me. It seemed to be telling me that peace just IS, and if we TRY to hold onto it, it will leave us.

Peace doesn't exist in war. We can only set the intension for peace to find us... and let it go.

Come Dance With Me

Wrote a new song a little while ago and recorded it today.

SOOOOO looking forward to the new mic coming in the mail! :)

How I LOVE spam. Seriously.

I only just realized how absolutely LOVELY spam is. 

I get to completely IGNORE all of these "urgent" emails. I never ever have to open ANY of them. Ever. Because they are spam.

THIS. IS. AMAZING.

You know how stressful it is to receive an "urgent" email from someone, when you're already overloaded with things to do? It's stressful! So how totally freekin fantastic is it that everyone who gets spam has the complete freedom to 100% ignore the existence of these "urgent" emails? You don't have to touch them. You don't have to answer them. You don't have to do anything. At all. 

It's like waking up to a wrapped gift at your door when you forgot it was your birthday. That's how awesome is that. 

Quitting vs Giving Up

There is a big difference between quitting and giving up.

See, giving up is that feeling you get when you decide within yourself that you aren't worth trying for. Giving up is that sense of abandoning yourself. Giving up is that universal gesture of hands in the air, surrendering in bitterness. Giving up is retreating from oneself. Giving up is betrayal of self.

Quitting on the other hand is choosing to let go of something that doesn't serve you anymore. Quitting is making the decision to do something even better for yourself than what you were doing before. Quitting is saying no to one thing so you can say yes to something else. Quitting is going with the flow and moving forward. Quitting is supporting your higher self.

So never give up.

But go ahead and quit*.

*Side note, quit when you've got a better option, don't just quit cold turkey. No one likes cold turkey. The gravy doesn't stick.

True Love vs Choosing Love

I don't believe true love is something that catches you off guard when that someone special walks by - I believe it's a choice. 

And you can only choose something such as love, when you know how. You can't choose love while you're convinced the other person is wrong, or when you are afraid and can only see the fear. Trust me, I know by first hand experience.

See, you cannot actually choose a loving behaviour if you don't have the tools to choose it. It's just not possible to make a decision if there appears to be only one option. By definition, "decide" means to make a choice from a number of alternatives. The "choices" we make in a relationships can only ever be "reactions" to behaviour if we DON'T KNOW how else to respond. Let me repeat that in clearer words... 

If we DON'T KNOW how else to react, we are only DELUDED by believing we are making a CHOICE.

True love whether romantic, familial, or toward a friend is a choice. But how can you choose to love someone when you can only see pain, hurt, betrayal, distance, coldness, neglect or disinterest?

The truth they don't tell us in all the fairytales and romantic stories is much less glamorous and yet much more fulfilling and empowering than any fictional work I've seen so far. Here's the truth: 

"True love" is made up of two things: 

1. Information 

and 

2. Choice

When we see pain, distance, neglect etc in our partner, we must ask questions if we want to stay in love. Inform ourselves about the other person's side, understand what's going on, ask questions, get curious. If it's not clear what questions to ask, begin by asking yourself what you see, want and need.

We must have information in order to make good choices, and we are told by the media that all we need is love. Well love is a choice and we must educate ourselves if we want to stay in love! Educate ourselves with books, videos and information, and most importantly educate ourselves about ourselves. 

If we believe we only have one option, if we do not know the rest of the story, we will believe we have no choice, and we must take the only option available, but the truth is - WE SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW BETTER YET.

I am pro-education especially regarding relationships because I am a lover. I can love better, the more I can choose. I can choose better the more I am aware. The more I am aware, the better the world is.

What do you think? 

A Note from The Universe

Over the past few weeks there has been a recurring theme snagging my attention in business, relationships and personal growth. It was important enough to not only write down but also to integrate into my life at any cost.

Themes are often recurring in my life and tend to work like this, that when the universe wants to tell me something, it more or less hands me a note paper with an important message scribbled on it. After letting me read the message, the universe decides to hand me another note paper a few days later to reinforce the idea that I should do something about the message it had handed me the day before.

It goes on like this for a few weeks, the universe handing me message after message on different pieces of figurative note paper until one day after I've collected the same message on several of these bits of paper, I finally give in and shake a fisted note at the sky (which at this point has become an ACTUAL note paper on which I've taken down the dictations of the universe in my own penmanship) with a slight smirk and a "Fine! I get the point! I'll do it, I'll do it!"

After searching for answers to some of my personal questions about how to get what I want out of life, the universe kindly handed me this message (again and again) over the last couple weeks:

Hey Sarah!
I heard you're looking for a few new things in your life such as a good relationship, happiness, more money and all that lovely stuff you mortals like to have around. Well I thought I'd help you out and let you in on the trick to getting what you want. If you're interested in doing something about it, there are the two parts to it:  

First, you've got to get present with yourself. You've got to know what you REALLY want. This can be tricky if you don't know how to get present with your higher self, but I've got confidence you'll figure it out.

The second part is tricky. You've got to get present with yourself enough to let go of the very thing you want. See, if you hold on to it too tightly, you'll miss it when I hand it to you because it won't look exactly like what you were expecting. It'll be better, and you'll miss it if you're too busy focusing on it the way you think it ought to be. To get what you want, you must let go of how it is delivered and focus only on being so present with the moment that you can with child like excitement recognize the gift when I give it to you. 

You must first decide to be happy, and then you may have the things that you think make you happy. It sounds like a contradiction, but I promise that if you chase the things you think will make you happy, you won't be happy even once you have them, and if you are at peace with yourself you'll naturally receive the things that really do make you happy. The truth is you'll never be happy if happiness is dependant on things outside of yourself.  

So keep moving, set your sights on what you want and let go of the outcome. Focus on accepting what is, and I'll do the heavy lifting.

Love you, 

The Universe 

Misconception about love

I think the biggest misconception about love 

is that it's something you can lose.

To love yourself... 

...to love your friends... 

...to love your family... 

...to love your environment... 

...to love your body... 

...to love your job... 

...to love your life... 

Is not to look at it and see how badly everything needs fixing, 

or to long for the return of something you may not have again. 

It's not to stretch or contort the truth

into what you wish it would be instead.

It is to look at it exactly as it is, 

embrace it in the moment, 

see the potential for greatness, 

act out of gratitude for it being in your life now 

and let it grow as it will, 

however that may be, 

even if it leaves you, 

even if it's only alive for a moment. 

Feminist lovers

"We are different than you."
"You are mean to us."
"It is US, against THEM."
"Love everyone... Except those guys..."

Most feminists are ignored these days because feminists have become synonymous with men-haters. It's an unfortunate thing really, because in reality feminists just want to be treated equal, but we've done a right ol' job of making it bloody difficult to love us women if we're attacking those we want to accept us.

And that's part of the problem, right there. US and THEM. Since when was "this" human over here with these select differences made out to be somehow better than "that" human over there for their select differences? Since when was it so abnormal for us to be both human and unique? Since when was it OK to try to make everyone the SAME? Being EQUAL does not mean we are the SAME.

I think it's about time we saw ourselves for what we really are: alive. All of us.

And yet that's hard to imagine others loving people that hate them, let alone ourselves acting out of grace and love toward someone who hurts us. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is the general motto. "If you do that, I'll do the same." or "If you do this, I'll react to it and show YOU what I think!"

But as Byron Katie says, "Defence is the first act of war."

As soon as we put our boxing gloves on, no matter the intention behind why we put them on, we immediately place ourselves at opposite sides of the ring. Me against you. Us against them. Winner against loser.

Is it so hard to see that when one person is acting out, they are just hurting? I believe in the natural goodness of humanity. I believe we have something worth loving for, not fighting for. I truly believe embracing an enemy in love is a more courageous act than holding a gun to shoot them.

May it be soon that we break out of the HE and SHE mentalities into the WE mentality. May it be soon that we come together and love ourselves for WHO we are.

Let's celebrate life. Let's celebrate differences. <3

Big Difference - Put a song up

I often feel that what I say through music is what I wish I could say through words. If you follow my blog at all, you'll know that I posted something similar to the sentiments of this song not long ago. This came from that same energy.

Recorded it today, hoping I could make sense of a few feelings and thoughts. When it came down to it, this was not the intended song which I wrote - there was another verse and a bunch more repeated but I accidentally turned the chorus around and it fit so well it got me thinking and pondering as you can see at the end of the video, so I kept it as is. I think it means more like this anyway.

Here are the lyrics: 

Big Difference - Sera Peters

There’s a big difference here

Between what you want me to say 

And what you want to hear

And so I close my mouth

And I don’t say a thing

And this way you might be 

Happy - at least that’s what I think. 

Feel the waves and feel the flow

Catch it once and don’t let go

I said what I meant to 

And I meant what I said

But you didn’t ask me

Why is that? 

You didn’t let me 

Finish my words

You couldn’t hear me

You were afraid to get hurt

I couldn’t say it

You’d think it meant more

When really I meant everything

That you didn’t stand for

And so I close my mouth

And I don’t say a thing

And this way you might be 

Happy - at least that’s what I think. 

Feel the waves and feel the flow

Catch it once and don’t let go

You said what you meant to 

And you meant what you said

But I didn’t ask you

Why is that?

Anything solid would be nice

My really close friend passed away last week. He took his own life.

I'm a little stunned that it happened at all, and just got back from being up in the city where he lived at the time. I had hoped to comfort his family and friends and offer help with funeral prep while up there, and although I created a slideshow for the funeral, I'm not sure I did much else.

Over all, I'm really confused because there are so many emotions vying for position and I don't know which one to let take the stage. I'd like for just one emotion to settle in so I can just BE... Just feel SOMETHING... Anything solid would be nice. Just something to go off of so I could cry, rage, smile, dance, or crawl into a corner and rock myself to sleep... any one thing would be great. I just want to feel one thing at a time instead of all of them at once, leaving me incapable of anything but confusion and numbness. And damn, it doesn't help at all to have a break up in the midst of it... Just to make the feelings that much more confusing and layered... Shit.

Do I feel absolute love for my friend still? Yes.
Do I feel sad because I know I'm going to miss him? Yes.
Do I feel awkward that I don't know what words to say to others he was close with? Yes.
Do I feel relief that I don't have to pay him back for his small loan now? Yes.
Do I feel responsible for helping others to remember him? Yes.
Do I feel happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel shameful to feel so happy about everything else in my life that's going well? Yes.
Do I feel curious about where his soul might be right now? Yes.
Do I feel grateful he went before me so now it's safer to go wherever he is? Yes.
Do I feel tired of thinking about it altogether? Yes.
Do I feel impatient with others who don't get what's going on yet? Yes.
Do I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings? Yes.

Or maybe I just want to know for myself how I really feel...

Anything solid would be nice.

Rain Dance

I thought I was dancing with you

In the rain

Keeping time to the beat

Apparently there were no drums

None at all

My bad

Guess it was just the rain 

And my heart beating

All by itself

The faster it beat the faster I danced

Thinking you were dancing the same rhythm

I am surprised to learn otherwise

I thought you could hear it too

Through the downpour

Seems you were just following my lead

And maybe I was following yours

I gather that's why we got so confused

And our feet so twisted

Oops

What I wish I could say...

I wish I had the opportunity that they do in romance movies sometimes. You know that part near the end where one of the main characters gets to say the one thing that fixes it all? It's usually just some cheesy line or maybe a sincere apology that lasts one minute or less.

Well I wish I had that chance right now. I wish I had one minute.

But sometimes it's just impossible to tell someone what it is you want to say. I don't know why circumstances don't exist like in the movies (at least not in my life) and it seems really hopeless that they don't. All you want to do is tell the one person that matters to you what's really going on inside and it is impossible to do because the other person just doesn't want to hear it. They just don't. And no amount of begging or texting or facebook messaging is going to change that they simply don't want to talk to you. Still.

And in those moments which you wish you could transform everything from unspoken misunderstandings into explained assurances, you're only left with a wish that things could be different. And oh how I wish I could make it different.

What I wish I could say is...

and

But since I don't have that chance.... Since you won't let me have the chance to explain myself... I have to let go. I have to stop fighting the reality that you just don't want to talk to me. And so I let go. 

I let go because I matter too much to myself to stay here, and I choose to live in love not in fear or regret. I choose to love, and in that loving, I let you go. 

I let go because you matter too much to me to mar the experiences and memories we made with something as trivial and painful as holding on, grasping at what once was, clawing at it to continue. You matter too much to remember anything other than the beauty that we had for the time that we had it. 

And so, with all my love which you never knew I had for you, I let you go.

I can't help it. I'm in love... With all of you.

It took a few seconds my friend... You and I met, in whichever circumstance it was, and though I may have not realized it then... Something happened - and when it did, suddenly everything changed. The truth is...

I love you.

I believe love has the power to break through fear as water has the power to wash away stone.

It may take longer for a person to change through the medication of unconditional love than with the threat of a gun. Fear will change a person's actions temporarily, but love will change a person's heart forever. I believe love is a longer lasting reason to change than any fear can give.

So here is the truth of love: 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love.

But know this - love is not the same as trust. 

Though I will not throw my heart beneath your feet to be trampled -

             I will never close off room for you to come inside my heart. 

Though I will not expect you to love or look after me in any way - 

             I will never stop hoping that you may love me the way I am.

Though I will not let you close enough to hit twice; once and trust is broken - 

             I will never believe you incapable of winning your dignity back.

Though I will never abandon myself to the fearful nature inside you - 

             I will never see you as anything less than a friend who needs love. 

Though I will never let you cross a boundary for the sake of "love" -

             If you do, you will not lose my belief in your value as a person.

I will love you though you may hate me. 

I will forgive you though you may blame me. 

I will see your heart for the entirety and beauty it is.

I will look beyond the pain you feel to see the child inside. 

I will love you; completely, insights, charisma and imperfections. 

I will love you as completely as I love myself. 

I will love you forever - for that is unconditional love. 

What are you throwing away?

You know... Things like...

• The world is a scary place
• I have to fight for my right to live
• Everything in life is hard
• There is one RIGHT religion
• I'm never going to be good enough
• If other people are upset, I caused it
• When I get enough money, then I'll be happy
• Believing I had to be happy all the time (I'd rather be at peace, thank you)

I just don't need them anymore.

Giving Up vs Trying Harder

I'm at a stand still. I have a choice to make about a relationship I'm in. This happens to many of us when we don't know whether to give up or try harder. Where's the line? What do we look out for? How do we know which direction to pick?

I did some thinking about this and came up with the following idea...

When you feel unhappy about some situation in your life, you have three choices. You can:

1. Give up (Change everything)
2. Endure (Change nothing)
3. Try Harder (Change something)

If you choose to give up (change everything), you're looking at an overhaul and a lot of emotional grief as you let go of different aspects of the situation. Giving up isn't always wrong as we've been lead to believe. Giving up is actually often quite right - in fact we must give up on almost EVERYTHING ELSE we do in order to do ANY ONE THING. If we choose to do the dishes, we choose NOT to go to the store, go out dancing, write a book etc etc... Everything else, other than the one thing we want to do must be given up on for the time being, because we can ONLY do one thing at a time. So giving up isn't wrong, it just comes with consequences - be prepared for the emotional, spiritual, economical, and physical consequences.

Enduring is probably the most painful because it requires us to wait on someone or something else outside of ourselves to make the change for us. This may or may not ever happen, and that's just a fact. If we choose not to change anything, we have to be willing to go with what ever happens, in the order that it happens, when ever that happens. It can catch us off guard when something changes and have us feeling like a victim, like it's happening TO us simply because we have chosen not to act. The grief can often feel more intense when we are not choosing our own actions, because it catches us unaware not on our terms. Enduring isn't wrong, just don't expect the desired outcome to ever actually happen without some action on your part. 

So let's get one thing straight about trying harder. Is "trying harder" going to give you the results you want if you just do the same thing over and over expecting different results? No. That's what enduring is. If you insist on doing the SAME THING over and over, without being OPEN to any input, change or evolution, you are NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING, and are therefore just enduring. So what is trying harder? Trying harder is two things - 1. A constant search for a new tool, habit, system or idea which might solve the situation (outside input) 2. Actually implementing those new tools, habits, systems or ideas. Keep trying new things and being open to feedback, input and education - you'll find something that works eventually. 

Questions:
When is it ok to Give Up? 

When is it ok to Endure? 

When is it ok to Try Harder? 

Food = People

I need to confess. For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of people. Like, not just strangers, but I mean EVERYONE. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I was afraid of people for no reason and this analogy helped me understand the realization:

In the same way that they say you are what you eat, you are also who you surround yourself with.

In essence, if I could compare people to food, I had gone through life believing that ALL "FOOD" (ie: people) was poison, and eating (ie: interacting with) very little. But the truth is the same for food or people in that just as poison is RARE, dangerous toxic people are also rare. At home, the food (or the people) is safer to eat (or interact with) than in situations out of my control. The poisonous foods are more commonly found IN THE WILD, just as the more toxic people are more commonly found in chaotic environments.

Also, just because you once found something from the grocery store that is bad, that doesn't mean you should never go to the grocery store again. Just because you find one distasteful experience with a person doesn't mean you should never talk to someone with those qualities again. But that's what I was in essence doing, and I just didn't know it.

Now I see that the majority of people are SAFE, and that I am safe to be around virtually all of them. There is the rare one or two that are NOT safe, and that shouldn't prevent me from surrounding myself with everyone else. :)

Love love forever,
Sarah

Mormons, Muslims, Worship and God

It has been a long time since I've written and I want to start this blog up again.

I have some thoughts on religion I want to share today, and lately so much has been changing for me, that I have barely been able to recall my past self. I'm going to go over some thoughts here because I just can't keep them straight anymore.

If you don't already know, I'm Mormon. Born and raised in a family of Mormons (LDS). My family members over the years have decided one by one to go their own ways from religion and I was the last of my sibling left hanging on to Mormonism. I thought I was right, and I fought to the end of every conversation. And now I surprise myself by no longer considering myself Mormon.

I can not go over all the massive shifts in my life lately so this is not an "update of my life" blog post, but I do want to go over this one about religion because it brings out the topic which I was studying on today. The main thing you'll need to know about my life right now is that I'm dating a Muslim (Islamic faith) and have been asked by him to simply look into the faith of Islam and to make my own mind up. Which is what I'm doing.

Today at the book store while browsing for different book I couldn't find, a small, thin, green book stood out to me. It's title reads, "Islam Is..." It's an introduction to Islam and it's principles. I purchased it and brought it home. Once I got home, I began to read it and something stood out to me that I need to materialize into words because I can not make sense of it in ANY religion, never mind my boyfriend's (new to me) faith.

The concept is of Monotheism which often (and in the case of this book specifically) states is "devotion of all worship to the One God alone."

I wish I could understand this religious reasoning why God would need worshiping at all. It doesn't make sense to me. I have two issues with it that I can not see a way out of for the life of me. If you have any thoughts, feel free to share. I'm open and interested in others opinions.

First, the statement implies there either exists more than one God, or that we are capable of worshiping more than one God at a time. Since we are assuming there is only one God according to the Christian, Muslim, Zoroastrianism, and Judaism faiths (among many others), the real question is this: what is worship? How do we know if we are worshiping something other than the one God?

And secondly, I don't know why we need to worship God at all. I know this may seem to any believer to be total heresy, which I can understand because believe me, I've been there. I was a believer, not long ago.

What is the purpose of believing that God needs worship? In order to worship God, we'd have to know God existed and to whom we were giving of our worship. And yes, with the assumption that God created all things, there is reason enough to worship Him, but what does worship mean? And why does He need it? In order to relate to it, I can only draw from my own experiences, and my experience has been that I don't need praise or worship when I create a work of art or a science project. It's enough for me to admire my own work or share with others if I like. Why would God need worship? Isn't He perfect? Isn't He whole enough? Because He commands it? Why? Why does God need simplistic mortals to worship Him? Doesn't He have angels who do that? Doesn't He have enough self esteem that He doesn't need it?

So, if God doesn't need US to worship HIM, maybe the instruction exists for OUR sake. Maybe worshiping God somehow benefits us? If so, how? It begs the question as to what worship IS. Is worshiping simply acknowledging the existence of someone or something else? Is worshiping an act of singing, praying or dancing? Is worship an emotion, a state of being, a mindset? What is it? Is worship the act of giving gratitude? If so, I can see why we would worship, because having gratitude is scientifically proven to be amazingly beneficial for us, so why call it worship? Why not say only, "Give thanks to God"? That one makes sense. I don't think God needs us to worship Him. If we did not exist, God would not suddenly DIE because there was no one to worship Him.

So what is worship, and why is it such a BIG deal to worship only God? Is worship all consuming? If so, isn't that excessive and off balance? Isn't everything that is off balance also strictly forbidden in these religions? I thought the point of religion was to provide instructions for balance. So how is worship balance? Isn't the connotation one of obsession?

Totally open to thoughts.